i was supposed to go for yong quan‘s bday but i didnt know he’s gonna check out tml so i can’t go cos i worked until 10pm today.. =( meet up with duckie for a movie – Ultraviolet.. i think the show is a bit…. too exaggerated. haha.. “Hi, my name is violet and i’m born into a world u may not understand.” this is the starting line of the movie. haha. finally i can rem something huh? sigh.. duckie asked for patch up today but i just couldnt patch up with him.. i just can’t.. he needs to learn to be responsible for his own words.. even anger words.. even it’s words that was said out when he was angry.. just like him.. they just need to be more responsible.. can they really understand my feelings? nope, i dun think so.. at least this is what i think.. when he ask me whether do i still believe he still loves me.. actually, i’m a bit lost.. one moment he was scolding me, next moment he say he still loves me and of cos a part of me still believes that he cares for me.. but guys… how contradicting can they be? duckie too say he loves me alot.. but i stayed firm on my beliefs that, if he really loves me.. den he shdnt have blunt out that “break up” word so easily like as if he’s crapping with me. i have already told him many times before these break up that once he said break up with me again, den it’s hard for us to patch up again.. he should know the conseq… i’m not trying to act “ya ya” because i know he still wants me back.. i’m trying hard to let him know that i have been giving in to him each time he mentioned a “break up” to me.. he make me doesnt trust his words anymore.. den in the 1st place, he shdnt have promised me.. i cant patch up with him knowing now, i can’t really trust his words.. it’s pointless if i do that.. time will prove everything i guess.. or at least i hope so.. amin say i’m not myself recently.. i think i have not been myself lately too… sigh… and i know ppl in TCC cares.. but… i m just a human..

rashes back again. sigh.. and i’m feeling so itchy all over my body again. what shd i do now? was doing closing for bar ytd when the GM came and ‘spot check’.. damn suay (unlucky).. anyways… i tried to be normal during work ytd.. but sometimes it’s hard.. knowing that duckie will affect my everything.. it’s only 2 days of break up but i dun feel he reali cares abt it.. darling they all say mab he got the wrong idea when i say dun meet for a week.. maybe he was thinking dun meet for a week means dun talk for a week as well? sigh sigh sigh.. michelle has patched up with kelvin (after he whisper “will u patch up with me” into her ears.. how sweet..).. sigh.. and even amy is with her bf for about 6 mths? duh.. this is her longest r/s ever.. how sweet rite? bump into them today while out with jo, darling & mich.. we went to coffee club to have our dinner.. lol.. ppl always mixed up TCC & coffee club.. anyways, den we walked ard… blah blah.. sigh.. i still dun feel happy.. i need to feel happy.. wanted to go BBQ tml cos it’s yong quan‘s & chor wei‘s bday.. but i’m working until 10pm.. duh.. bad timing.. so gotta give it a miss.. sigh.. need to slp now.. was wondering if duckie will sms me tml…..

LEAVE ME ALONE DUDE.

I WANT TO LEAVING TCC, ASAP. I DON’T BELONG THERE.. i don’t feel my existance there. I TRIED TO BE HARDWORKING. I WANTED TO DO EVERYTHING THAT IS WITHIN MY MEANS TO PROVE TO PEOPLE MY WORTH.. BUT I’M JUST WORTHLESS.

DUCKIE SAID BREAK UP AGAIN.. i don’t even feel my existance anymore.

I’M LEAVING THIS TOWN..

I DON’T WISH TO COME BACK ONCE I LEAVE HERE. I’M SICK OF IT ALREADY. SERIOUSLY, EVERYTHING I DID WAS POINTLESS. TRYING HARD TO COMPROMISE AND WITH HIM KEEP SMSING ME.. TELLING ME HE’S LONELY.. I DREADED.. HE SAID IT ANYWAYS. MY FEELINGS WERE NOT CONSIDERED.

FUCK IT..

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE WORLD NOW?

THEY JUST HATED ME.

BYEBYE

Tell me please. Tell me what’s wrong with me & duckie.. Will someone PLEASE tell me? i dont feel he loves me anymore.. seriously.. what have i done wrong now? he actually expect me to know everything w/o him telling anything.. he needs a goddness as a gf, not me.. he just walk off lidat putting my bag on floor leaving me sitting outside taka alone.. i cannot feel that duckie is my old duckie anymore.. somehow, something has changed him.. was it me? i’m not sure… i’m kinda lost actually.. whether to stayed on or to let go.. but im determine to go thru this until i couldnt bear the hurt anymore.. everything WAS supposed to be ok.. but things turned bad when he asked me to go MOS next wk with his colleagues and i rejected him. i dont go clubbing with ppl i dunno and, he even compared last time he went clubbing with me & keng wee (at that point of time, i DIDNT force him to go along)… he said he hates rejection.. but i hate to be forced by him to go wherever i dun like.. he said i have nvr think of his feelings.. if i had nvr think of his feelings, i would have gone clubbing with frens ages ago and ignore him whenever he needed me when i’m out with my frens.. but den it was ALWAYS when i’m out with my frens, he feels sad or whatsoever.. that makes me feel a bit paranoid over this.. he wasn’t doing anything to secure my feelings about him lying and now he’s doing this to me. darling say in the past he would have called me already but this time, not even a single sms or call from him. but it’s not as if i’m gonna call him after all he’s the one who walked away from me. i wanted to go home after he just walked off lidat.. but suddenly i remember darling & mich might be in town, so i called them and try my luck.. indeed they are.. we went to city link to eat and chat for awhile before heading home.. argh.. i can’t believe i feel so yucky today.. seriously, he promised he wouldnt quarrel with me but ended up, he did.

i haben recover from my sickness yet.. lost of appetite in everything.. no mood for my fav food.. sigh.. i’ll be damn broke this coming weeks.. got 2 primary sch fren’s 21st bday… OMG.. on the 31st march & 1st april.. nice joke on me.. hahah.. damn.. no time for myself since i got so many things on.. keeping myself busy.. and i’m OFFICIALLY graduated from poly.. damn.. i’ll miss school though.. lol. i got ‘D’ for everything.. for AVFE, for IC and most importantly my FYP.. sigh.. i put in so much effort for that but i got a ‘D’ for that.. but i ought to be happy since i passed everything which means i dun have to repeat.. =D *Cheers* i gotta thank him for teaching me IC.. if not i couldnt have pass.. =] thanks.. =] as for AVFE, i think my grp did more than me.. so i feel a bit guilty for passing this module actually… sigh.. anyways, i’m having stomach ache now.. i havent eaten anything meals yet and i have given out everything.. duh.. sigh..

i just think that duckie gone a bit too far too much ridiculous this time. i was so slpy last nite and i wanted to go to bed, he was like relunctantly say ok and next moment he smsed me “reali ah? i wanted to chat…”.. i can’t even open my eyes and i’m half way to my dreamland.. and he was like stopping me from slpg simply because he wanted to chaT? hey c’mon.. i’m only a half sick person.. he can’t expect me to talk to him whenever he wants me to. i need sleep especially when i’m sick. he doesnt even understand this? what does he wants me to do? i simply dun understand at all.. seriously.. i just feel that we need to separate from each other for a period of time.. otherwise i scared i might just explode at him… it’s my bad that i scolded him “wtf”.. but that was bcos i really couldnt tolerate his complaints and the way he keep bugging me for nothing and expect me to do what his fren’s gf are doing.. den he shd get his fren’s gf as his gf not me. i wouldnt do what those gf do.. i’m just me.. and i dun have the habit of calling him every now & then to check whether has he eaten anything, how’s his day at work blah blah blah.. i’m tired seriously.. i just want a break from this whole damn thing.. i don’t even know how did it happen.. his actions is a bit too much for me to take… he’s a grown up now, he shd know what is right and wrong.. what is extra.. i dont wanna rely on guy so much that when the particular guy left me, i feel so lost.. i dun want this feeling anymore….

went out with damien, fang chew & gf today.. went to P.S’s food court to have lunch actually.. but i did not have any appetite so i didnt finish my food.. sigh.. den we walked to the newly opened cathay to watch movie. we watched “RENT”.. it’s a musical and basically everyone in the movie, knows how to sing.. lol.. and it’s quite touching.. abt gays & lesbian.. about love.. gf cried. lol.. anyways, the new cinema is damn nice!! haha.. there are new shops (but not open so we can only go to the new cinema at level 5 & 6).. i’m so excited when the shopping centre opens.. lol.. den me & gf went to tcc (AT) to have cake bcos she wants to eat cakes while the 2 guys went shopping.. lol.. and i ate 1 american chez cake & drink 1 m/s… yay.. but still… sigh.. that’s not proper food.. den we walked ard… den suddenly gf suggested on going to KBOX.. damien wants to go hm slp cos he need to wake up early & fang chew needs to go home and check on the air ticket for his bro.. so ended up only me & gf went.. i took a free transport with my sis – that’s my sis’ company’s bus.. wahaha.. cheapo rite? no choice.. gf paid for the KBOX.. and i paid for her cab fare home which was less than 5 bucks.. and i have bdays coming up.. so.. cheapo a bit oso nvm.. wahaha.. it’s been a long time since i chatted with my sis since she always went to club blah blah blah.. hardly see her anyways.. ok lah.. i’m going to slp now.. feeling so tired now.. =X i thought i had made damien angry today.. lucky he wasnt lah.. my mood wasnt that gd.. almost wanted to explode.. sigh.. i must go slp now.. i still gotta work.. =(

i havent been update.. went to see a doc on fri because i feel i’m too weak to go work and got myself MC.. slept the whole day and eat my med..

i had this aruguement with duckie and i think it’s so ridiculous.. until i have no idea how to solve it. my eyes now are very blur
i will tell u more tml..

well, worked 12 hrs today despite that i’m sick.. i reali dun feel like working today but upon think i have got no money… i decided to go work anyways.. i did closing for bar and it was so damn busy till i don’t even have time to do pre-close.. lol.. sue helped me to wipe those spoons blah blah blah.. oh, by the way.. we had a new part timer today.. his name is.. iassc.. (that’s if i spell it correctly.. =] ).. nothing’s new today.. except for the fact that i got stomach 2 times today and nothing to shit out.. damn.. i have stomach ache 2 times ytd too.. am i dying soon? sigh…

well, duckie went for his prom nite ytd.. and his mum even asked me whether i’m going.. when i told her i’m not going den she asked me if i’m from NP too.. and i went to work ytd.. feeling so sick… got flu… and cough.. i went to take back my toys from him… sigh… it’s kinda whatever lah.. i dunno what to say.. he doesnt even wanna be my fren… he even said i used him to teach me IC…. bcos after IC, i hardly contact him anymore.. i was so busy with so many things.. fren’s bday.. work.. and work.. sigh… i’m caught in between…

i had very big surprise yesterday.. duckie bought me my nokia 6111!! pink color some more.. pink color is hard to get~~ haha. but that hp is not my med for itch-ness & sickness.. sigh…

ahhh, was almost late for work today. shifted myself from my bedroom to my parents’ bedroom to sleep. hahaha. work was…. as usual lah.. busy a little but not yet.. what am i talking? i don’t know too. hahaha. anyways, i “offered” to take over bar bcos i feel so sick today, dont reali have the energy to serve ppl.. and my throat hurts.. sigh.. my chest feels pain though.. =[ i don’t know how to describe it. but it feels as though something has pierced thru my chest.. it feels like someone stabbed me (not as if i got stab before, does backstabbing count? =P ).. =[ i worked extra 30 mins? ok lah.. and guess what? tim gave us 1 army t-shirt!! yay~~ i’m going to army!! wahahaha.. =P anyways, duckie came to pick me up.. and he walked damn fast.. so i just asked him why is he walking so fast, den he replied me “where got fast? u walk too slow”.. =.= makes me pissed. and i’m fu*king sick. we remained silent thru out the dinner. damn, i dun even wanna mention about that anymore. i just feel sick.. sigh. i gotta slp early.. cos i will be working opening tml with AMIN!!! yay~~~ wahahaha.

p.s. am i rite to say that a leopard can nvr change it’s spots? i seriously dun think tat she-who-shall-not-be-named will change. or am i paranoid by whatever she said about me? nah.. i just think whatever we can see with our eyes might not be the truth.. seeing can be deceiving. =)

Saturday.

Went sun tanning with my chen da jie.. it was pretty last min decision though.. so we only reach the place about 4pm and we left the place at about 5plus pm. the sun was pretty good. and i managed to get a little bit ‘tanned’ but my sis insisted that i havent get any tan. =.= after that we went to the harbour front coffee shop to have some food. ate some chicken rice and kelvin came to pick me up to bring me to downtown east bcos he happened to be on the way since he’s going to aloha. =) it was my primary sch fren, huiting‘s, 21st bday.. and she held a BBQ there so i went. and i saw julian, yong quan, choon kiat, eddy, chor wei & rina (she came later cos she finished work at 8pm). joined them for awhile, played some daidee and i left the place about 10.45pm cos i’m meeting duckie for movie, Dorm. saw mich & kelvin there too. den after the movie duckie sent me home.. and i started to feel unwell.. sigh.. i got fever which was 38.4 degrees.. and my hands is very cold.. my head is bursting.. my body is rejecting everything that i ate and drink.. sigh… when he suddenly sms me fuck u.. this makes my day even more duh.. i didnt even do anything or say anything to him.. and he said that.. weird.. and he said he wants to throw away my booboo & co.. why he can’t just give them back to me? regret.

Sunday.

stayed at home the whole day and only wake up at about 4plus today. i have to forsake sun tanning with gf today bcos im totally unwell.. after that gf asked me out for walk walk but i can’t get out of the bed.. she asked me to go watch movie too but my whole body doesnt feel good enough to step out of my bed.. i feel so damn sick until i think i m dying soon
hahaha… am i thinking too much? and den i went to JP to meet duckie for dinner and i turn out didnt eat anything cos i dun have the appetite.. sigh.. ok lah.. i m going to bed soon. nitey everyone.. i scare i’m too sick to go work tml. =(