Surprised because he asked me out for dinner tonight. Shocked because I actually meet him. Happy because I see him. Sad because this will not last for long.

Dinner at JP with him at Billy Bombers. After 7 months.

How much I hate to know my ex-bf came looking for me because his previous relationship didn’t work out and this is the time he decided to be my friend.

Can we really be friends at all? After all, I loved him so much in the past. After all the shit things that had happened. We chat like a long time old friend. The feeling is very weird. Am I stupid to even agree to meet him for dinner? Because I seriously think that nothing that happened in the past will happen again for the 3rd time. Sitting in front of him, I can’t look at him directly into his eyes. Actually, I can’t even really look at him. The whole thing about him sitting in front of me, is so weird. He told me he‘s working office hour now, at home. He told me about the indians who beat him and Kai up at Boat Quay. He told me he‘ll be going to Australia to work for a month after he ORD, I seriously don’t know how I should feel. I have mixed emotions. We sat there for awhile to chat and went home after dinner. He went his way, I went mine. I did not ask him anything that concerns about us. Not anymore. Because certain things are meant to remain unspoken.

I’m so sorry Nicholas. Sometimes, I just can’t seems to make this whole thing right. By using you to forget about him is a wrong move. This is the greatest mistake I have done to you. I am really very sorry.

It took me 2 hours to finish the 300 pieces of jigsaw puzzle that I bought on Saturday. And once I am done with it, I gave it to Nicholas. I wanted to tell him, this is actually our parting gift. But I can’t bring myself to say that.

And he replied me as early as 6a.m.. This is what he replied me when I told him not to contact me because of his loneliness:

“If I say I got no intention, I’m lying to myself. But seriously, why did I break the contact? You are in denial at that time.I broke off with you in a calm way but you seem to make it a very big fuss. I will give you time to accept the fact. and in the end we can be friends..and yes, i do regret losing girl that love me so much. if i feel lonely, i won’t only msg you today right?i don’t msg you for because i’m lonely la.if i were,why didn’t i msg you for the past 7-8 month?”

I can’t be any more calm you know? How much I have suffered during this past few months trying so damn fucking hard to forget this whole incident and move on? But it’s like a scar, it stays here permanently. No other man can remove it. And then out of the blue he told me he doesn’t fuck around, the girls around him are like friends just like me and my guy friends. Perhaps that was because I said the reason why he didn’t SMS me for the past 7-8 months was partly because he was busy with different girls. When I asked him what is his intention again, he told me from the start he already told me that he msg me because he miss me. I wasn’t really convinced at all. I wasn’t convinced because the first time he SMS-ed me after we broke up for the first time, he said he think of me that’s why he SMS-ed me. And when I asked him what’s the difference between think and miss, he said MISS is a more emotional word. And this time, he uses the word, MISS. And when I was sacrastic towards him, he even asked me what’s is the difference? See? That’s the thing, he doesn’t remember the things he said to me, but I remember everything he said to me, good or bad. He said, he didn’t have the intention to break off ALL contacts with me. He deleted his friendster and facebook, but he didn’t delete me from his phone and memory. Am I supposed to be touched because he didn’t even bother to inform me that he changed his number and MSN? The only thing I didn’t ask him was, how he know I got a bf then. And then we stopped the conversation. You know, this is the first time he replied me so much?

I met up with SiKai after a long period of time not seeing him. Met up with him at West Mall to catch a movie, Big Stan. I almost couldn’t recognise him because he looked a little different. Perhaps it might be because of the injuries on his lips and forehead and some other places. Now, I finally know why he got beaten up by the indians. That’s what I have expected. Got drunk, ‘OEI’ the indians and Kai got beaten up because he ran away to seek help. And he couldn’t tell me what happened because he don’t remember.

The movie is funny. And lame. It’s about this real estate con artist, Stan, who was afraid of going to jail (he was given a sentence of 3years old) because of the jail rape, got himself a Master and learnt all the necessary skills and then became the leader of the jail. But the thing is the corrupted warran wants to sell the jail and Stan was in the way. The end, Stan wins.

After the movie, me and Kai went to Bukit Timah to have supper and after which his friend came in to join us. We did some catch up. Talked abt him and I was surprised that he asked Kai how have I been. I don’t know if I should be sad or be happy about it. But I have to left half way because I have to work today and Nicholas was still waiting for me go home. I feel so guilty whenever I looked at Nicholas, because I know he’s sad. And even though we broke up, he still want me to stay. I know he loves me but I really can’t love him. He even say he doesn’t mind if I don’t love him, I can’t commit and I wanna go out play. He’s so like me. Because he loves me more than I love him, just like I loved him more than he ever loved me. That was why Nicholas is so like me. I promised, I will still meet him on his off days and days when I am not out with my friends. But I hate to give him hopes and later flush it into the toilet bowl because I cannot uphold my promises to him. He make me so selfish. I broke up with him and he still want me to hold on to him. This really makes me very sad. My heart is aching, but I can’t do anything for him. I am really so useless. Tell me what should I do? I even lied to him that I wasn’t SMS-ing him and told him the truth only this morning. He kept persuading me not to go back him. But, somehow my heart is no longer here. I even tried to scare him by saying maybe in the near future I might say I love him again, and he just reply me “let nature take its course” and he’s not afraid of that? Is he a changed person now? But I can say he’s still the same person I knew beginning of THIS yr. Not last. Because the one I knew last yr, really loves me in the beginning. He say he will stop SMS-ing me if only I want him to, because after all, he was the one who started SMS-ing me first.