Friends

Dear Myself,

After these 3 days of communicating with him, I have decided that I can’t be his friend. And perhaps will never be. Because thinking back into the past, the scar is still there. The hurt is still there. Pretending everything is normal when it’s not, it’s just not me. Well, at least, he feel sad for his recent break up.

Some things are not meant to be and will never be the same again. He and I know it very well. Even Evelyn can remember clearly that he promised he will never contact me ever again. And what changes his mind, I don’t know and I guess I won’t know.

We were SMS-ing after heading home separately. I asked him, why did he asked me out for dinner? And he just reply, “just for dinner lo. need a reason to ask me out for dinner?”. Some times, when things happened too sudden, I guess I need a reason. Nevertheless, he was being nice when I told him my router spoil and got no internet, he tried to help me fix the problem, thru phone of course. And we hang up the call because the problem cannot be resolved. And then we ended the conversation.

All these while, I have been thinking and I know this kind of ‘connection’ will not last for long. And he say he‘s fine with this. Of cos, he‘s speaking from his point of view and me, being me, can never be fine. Perhaps not now loh. The tone that he used to talk to me, feels different but forever sounded not song when he talks to me, and I wondered why.

He asked me, what’s the him I know. The him I know is fickle minded. Forever changing. Never tell me what’s on his mind. Loves drinking. Loves to know new girls. Treat me nice when he wants me, and treat me like shit when he wants me to F.O. And I even asked him if he have changed. Perhaps. But I won’t know because I’m not going to stand here and wait. He say I still can ask him out, but by doing that, I will make myself very vulnerable towards him. So I deleted ALL his SMSes, deleted ALL my sent SMSes to him, cleared my call logs, and deleted his number from my phone. Whatever I did above, I still can remember his SMSes and his number. Ha. So it’s also pointless lah.

And I know it will take him another few months to SMS me or even to ask me out. Not that I know him too well, worse still, I realized I don’t even know him.

Loves,
Jaymee