Fuck

AHhh! I know this sounds stupid. But why do I always go ‘crazy’ whenever he SMSed me? = And why do I even miss him now? FUCK. Maybe this will go away soon.

And pls, don’t say how bad he was in the past. Don’t say that in front of me at least. This really makes me feel sad. I’m sad enough.

Nicholas has been putting stress on me, knowingly or unknowingly, until I couldn’t take it anymore, i exploded. By saying very mean things to him and wanting to go home in the middle of night. Please don’t say you are not like him, because YOU ARE LIKE HIM.

Everyone is concerned about him. Samuel, Wei Wan and even Evelyn. Where are my friends who will show me some concern too? Maybe they think I have been thru this once and I will get it over soon. Or maybe they think I’m being mean to him, that’s why they are showering him with care and concern? How I wish I can get out of this shit hole. But apparently, I can’t. I can feel myself going back to the past. If people can move on, why can’t I move on too? Being emo isnt the best solution. But that’s me, always.

Nicholas was trying to tell me how much he loves me and how much he needs me and how much he wants me to stay. But still, I want to leave. I want to LEAVE HIM. I asked him why I should stay for him, he say because he love me very much. I can’t love him and in fact, sometimes I feel like I hated him. For doing things that I hate.

Guys being guys, they have the lust for sex. So why say you are different from him when you are JUST like him? I did not blame him for what happened last night because it was kinda expected. But I really want to have that kind of trust in you, but it’s just so hard now. Kept telling me how bad he was, is not going to help. Because I hate you for saying those things to me. I DON’T WANT TO BELIEVE in any single things you said about him. And yes, you DO NOT SAY I wanted IT when you are the one who wants IT.

In Nicholas, I see the past me. So irritating trying to patch up with him. Now I know how it feels like when he doesn’t love me anymore and I kept persuading him to change his bloody mind. I’m a pain in my own ass.

Fuck, I hate being in a relationship. I need to get out of this shit soon. Can someone help me?