Dear Myself,

After these 3 days of communicating with him, I have decided that I can’t be his friend. And perhaps will never be. Because thinking back into the past, the scar is still there. The hurt is still there. Pretending everything is normal when it’s not, it’s just not me. Well, at least, he feel sad for his recent break up.

Some things are not meant to be and will never be the same again. He and I know it very well. Even Evelyn can remember clearly that he promised he will never contact me ever again. And what changes his mind, I don’t know and I guess I won’t know.

We were SMS-ing after heading home separately. I asked him, why did he asked me out for dinner? And he just reply, “just for dinner lo. need a reason to ask me out for dinner?”. Some times, when things happened too sudden, I guess I need a reason. Nevertheless, he was being nice when I told him my router spoil and got no internet, he tried to help me fix the problem, thru phone of course. And we hang up the call because the problem cannot be resolved. And then we ended the conversation.

All these while, I have been thinking and I know this kind of ‘connection’ will not last for long. And he say he‘s fine with this. Of cos, he‘s speaking from his point of view and me, being me, can never be fine. Perhaps not now loh. The tone that he used to talk to me, feels different but forever sounded not song when he talks to me, and I wondered why.

He asked me, what’s the him I know. The him I know is fickle minded. Forever changing. Never tell me what’s on his mind. Loves drinking. Loves to know new girls. Treat me nice when he wants me, and treat me like shit when he wants me to F.O. And I even asked him if he have changed. Perhaps. But I won’t know because I’m not going to stand here and wait. He say I still can ask him out, but by doing that, I will make myself very vulnerable towards him. So I deleted ALL his SMSes, deleted ALL my sent SMSes to him, cleared my call logs, and deleted his number from my phone. Whatever I did above, I still can remember his SMSes and his number. Ha. So it’s also pointless lah.

And I know it will take him another few months to SMS me or even to ask me out. Not that I know him too well, worse still, I realized I don’t even know him.

Loves,
Jaymee

Surprised because he asked me out for dinner tonight. Shocked because I actually meet him. Happy because I see him. Sad because this will not last for long.

Dinner at JP with him at Billy Bombers. After 7 months.

How much I hate to know my ex-bf came looking for me because his previous relationship didn’t work out and this is the time he decided to be my friend.

Can we really be friends at all? After all, I loved him so much in the past. After all the shit things that had happened. We chat like a long time old friend. The feeling is very weird. Am I stupid to even agree to meet him for dinner? Because I seriously think that nothing that happened in the past will happen again for the 3rd time. Sitting in front of him, I can’t look at him directly into his eyes. Actually, I can’t even really look at him. The whole thing about him sitting in front of me, is so weird. He told me he‘s working office hour now, at home. He told me about the indians who beat him and Kai up at Boat Quay. He told me he‘ll be going to Australia to work for a month after he ORD, I seriously don’t know how I should feel. I have mixed emotions. We sat there for awhile to chat and went home after dinner. He went his way, I went mine. I did not ask him anything that concerns about us. Not anymore. Because certain things are meant to remain unspoken.

I’m so sorry Nicholas. Sometimes, I just can’t seems to make this whole thing right. By using you to forget about him is a wrong move. This is the greatest mistake I have done to you. I am really very sorry.

It took me 2 hours to finish the 300 pieces of jigsaw puzzle that I bought on Saturday. And once I am done with it, I gave it to Nicholas. I wanted to tell him, this is actually our parting gift. But I can’t bring myself to say that.

And he replied me as early as 6a.m.. This is what he replied me when I told him not to contact me because of his loneliness:

“If I say I got no intention, I’m lying to myself. But seriously, why did I break the contact? You are in denial at that time.I broke off with you in a calm way but you seem to make it a very big fuss. I will give you time to accept the fact. and in the end we can be friends..and yes, i do regret losing girl that love me so much. if i feel lonely, i won’t only msg you today right?i don’t msg you for because i’m lonely la.if i were,why didn’t i msg you for the past 7-8 month?”

I can’t be any more calm you know? How much I have suffered during this past few months trying so damn fucking hard to forget this whole incident and move on? But it’s like a scar, it stays here permanently. No other man can remove it. And then out of the blue he told me he doesn’t fuck around, the girls around him are like friends just like me and my guy friends. Perhaps that was because I said the reason why he didn’t SMS me for the past 7-8 months was partly because he was busy with different girls. When I asked him what is his intention again, he told me from the start he already told me that he msg me because he miss me. I wasn’t really convinced at all. I wasn’t convinced because the first time he SMS-ed me after we broke up for the first time, he said he think of me that’s why he SMS-ed me. And when I asked him what’s the difference between think and miss, he said MISS is a more emotional word. And this time, he uses the word, MISS. And when I was sacrastic towards him, he even asked me what’s is the difference? See? That’s the thing, he doesn’t remember the things he said to me, but I remember everything he said to me, good or bad. He said, he didn’t have the intention to break off ALL contacts with me. He deleted his friendster and facebook, but he didn’t delete me from his phone and memory. Am I supposed to be touched because he didn’t even bother to inform me that he changed his number and MSN? The only thing I didn’t ask him was, how he know I got a bf then. And then we stopped the conversation. You know, this is the first time he replied me so much?

I met up with SiKai after a long period of time not seeing him. Met up with him at West Mall to catch a movie, Big Stan. I almost couldn’t recognise him because he looked a little different. Perhaps it might be because of the injuries on his lips and forehead and some other places. Now, I finally know why he got beaten up by the indians. That’s what I have expected. Got drunk, ‘OEI’ the indians and Kai got beaten up because he ran away to seek help. And he couldn’t tell me what happened because he don’t remember.

The movie is funny. And lame. It’s about this real estate con artist, Stan, who was afraid of going to jail (he was given a sentence of 3years old) because of the jail rape, got himself a Master and learnt all the necessary skills and then became the leader of the jail. But the thing is the corrupted warran wants to sell the jail and Stan was in the way. The end, Stan wins.

After the movie, me and Kai went to Bukit Timah to have supper and after which his friend came in to join us. We did some catch up. Talked abt him and I was surprised that he asked Kai how have I been. I don’t know if I should be sad or be happy about it. But I have to left half way because I have to work today and Nicholas was still waiting for me go home. I feel so guilty whenever I looked at Nicholas, because I know he’s sad. And even though we broke up, he still want me to stay. I know he loves me but I really can’t love him. He even say he doesn’t mind if I don’t love him, I can’t commit and I wanna go out play. He’s so like me. Because he loves me more than I love him, just like I loved him more than he ever loved me. That was why Nicholas is so like me. I promised, I will still meet him on his off days and days when I am not out with my friends. But I hate to give him hopes and later flush it into the toilet bowl because I cannot uphold my promises to him. He make me so selfish. I broke up with him and he still want me to hold on to him. This really makes me very sad. My heart is aching, but I can’t do anything for him. I am really so useless. Tell me what should I do? I even lied to him that I wasn’t SMS-ing him and told him the truth only this morning. He kept persuading me not to go back him. But, somehow my heart is no longer here. I even tried to scare him by saying maybe in the near future I might say I love him again, and he just reply me “let nature take its course” and he’s not afraid of that? Is he a changed person now? But I can say he’s still the same person I knew beginning of THIS yr. Not last. Because the one I knew last yr, really loves me in the beginning. He say he will stop SMS-ing me if only I want him to, because after all, he was the one who started SMS-ing me first.

Went to watch “House Bunny” with Scandal, Alvin and Wei Xiong at JP.

The waiting for the 3 guys is an angry one. Because Alvin‘s car engine couldn’t stop. Because of the extra thing that was added into the car (i don’t know what’s the name of the extra thing lah, but you know guys they like to modify their car into i don’t know what shit.) and they have to go to the repair shop to get it repair and so me and Wei Xiong just walk around in JP. And I bought a jigsaw puzzle (the picture below). Spent a total of $70 for the puzzle and the frame. Bought it for Nicholas.

Movie is kinda funny lah. And Shelly (in the movie), is definitely a BIMBO. But that’s what made the movie funny. Haha. After movie, went Super Bowl for some bowling action. And I might say my bowling SUCKS. For the first round of the game, my ball went into the gutter 4 times. ZZZz. And my total score for the 1st game is only a pathetic 30 pts. Can u believe it? I don’t have the strength. And Scandal‘s father is really good. And I heard he’s ex bowler. =X That explains it. And after that I went to meet Nicholas.

And I received his sudden SMS. I don’t know if you guys knowa who am I referring to. But I aint gonna say his name. You know it’s been almost 7 months since we broke up… And he doesn’t look like he’s gonna contact me at all. BUT, he did. The first msg he sent me was “Are you with your bf?”. Pretty shocking. I woke up at 11plus and saw the msg that he sent me at 10plus, I was kinda speechless. I did not replied his qns and asked him instead if he had SMS-ed the wrong person. I wasn’t waiting for his reply because I don’t think he would reply at all, I swear! But he replied me at 2p.m after I am done with driving lessons. I know I have been thru this before. I know I did. But sometimes, I can’t help it so I replied him asking what he want from em when he replied “No……..man…” to my qns. He said “Nothing”, but usually there is something if not why would he wanna SMS me in the first place? He said I sounded angry. Of cos I am! For all he had done to me – being harsh towards me, told me to stop SMS-ing him, deleted me from friendster and facebook (+ he blocked me), changed his number and MSN. I wasn’t informed at all! And he said he was harshed on me because I was too denial at that point of time. C’mon lah, if he were me, he won’t say that anymore. Because he simply have NO IDEA how it feels to be treated the same way by him not once, but TWICE. And I was pissed, so I told him to entertain his gf, he replied saying he has no gf. And asking further, he ‘only’ had one gf after me (and that’s Ruth) which last for a month and he say that doesn’t even feel like it existed. So I asked him again, what was his intention for SMS-ing me, he said HE MISS ME. Should I even buy his story? And then he told me he’s going to sleep because he got ‘beaten’ up by indians the night before and his whole body is aching. When I asked why, he didn’t wanna tell me. And then we continued the conversation. I sounded so angry that I even told him that he was the one being petty. And he jolly well knows how much I loved him. Perhaps a part of me still does love him now. He said if not for my childness, we would still be together. And he agreed that he was childish too when I pointed that out. Ahhhh, saying things like that really makes me going nowhere. Really. And we ended the conversation after he told me he deleted his facebook and friendster account.

I refused to tell Nicholas who I was SMS-ing in the afternoon because if I were to tell him, he won’t let me go out with Scandal because he will be so busy asking me qns that I don’t wanna reply. I promised I will tell him later at night. And then I went out with Scandal. He really kept me thinking about the whole thing about him SMS-ing me, you know. So, I decided to SMS him to tell him to stop SMS-ing me. Because I aint his subsitute when there is no girls to care for him. And he stopped replying me after awhile. And I carried on with my bowling game, after which I went to meet Nicholas again. And, this time round, we really broke up.

I don’t have any reasons. I feel guilty. For using him so that I can forget him. And most importantly, I broke his heart, made him teared for a useless person like me. I hate myself you know. I promised him I will still meet him. But he still wants me to stay overnight at his house, which I did. Because I don’t wanna upset him further. I’m really sorry. Because I couldn’t love him and I’m still stucked in the past that he has left me. I really find it so hard to move on. I’m not committing to this relationship, so it’s best to end it now than later. I should have be more persistant a few weeks ago, but I failed to do so. This hurts. I know and I can understand. He was using the whole night telling me not to let him go. He wants me back when I’m ready to settle down. But, I can’t commit any promises to him. This is how sucky I am now. Sighed.

The last entry for the day!

Went to meet up with Darling Alicia and Sweetie Amy last night for dinner and a night of juicy gossip till 11.30p.m!

I met up with Darling first and we went to shop around JP, I think it’s been a long time since I last shopped at JP loh. So many shops went missing and new shops popping out. So sua ku (mountain turtle). I went home to put down my bag and wait for Alicia to ring me when she reaches JE. Meanwhile, I kept myself busy by watching some Korean drama show which Brandon lent me. The title? I don’t remember. LOL.

Anyways, we had dinner at Ichiban. And it’s nice catching up with the girls because it’s almost 11 months since I last saw Alicia. If I hadn’t remember wrongly, the last time I saw her was on my birthday last year! Gosh, that’s so long! We have been talking about meeting up and you know what happens next. =P After dinner, we went to McCafe to continue our conversation and do some catch up with each others. =]

After the long chat, we headed home separately. Perhaps, we should organise one meet up soon, with the rest of the girls! =D

Taken at Ichiban

Didn’t get to see Bi for 2 days. And I know he’s missing me dearly. =D

And I really need to get my ass stick to the chair and start learning photoshop and edit my pimple out. Zzzz.

This is a get together night before my younger brother, TWK will be enlisting on Thursday, 09.10.08 (in this case, he’s already enlisted. I’m trying to pretend I’m still in the past. =.=).

We went out for dinner at Blk 815 (i think there is nowhere else we can have our dinner liao), and out of a sudden, mama’s crying. I mean, you know how it feels like when your brother get enlisted and won’t be coming home for the next 2 weeks? Sighed, I’m starting to miss him though I’m not close to him. After all, he’s my brother and I love him! He’s the one and only able man to be enlisted because my elder brother couldn’t speak properly (as in he doesn’t talk and even if he does, you won’t understand him), thus he’s spared.

So I took some pictures before his enlistment.

With TFZ, our elder sister

With TFG and Tooty, his best friend and best dog

With me.

With THP, my elder brother

And lastly, with my ah ma.

Papa didn’t wanna take picture, so there is no picture of mama and papa. So not sporting right? Sighed

I have been wanting to update my blog these few days but my internet at home is DOWN. Holy molly. So I shall do some updates now, in different parts. So that my entry won’t look so squeezed. Let me start from Tuesday.

We were supposed to go ice skating but we changed to Kbox instead because the ice skating closes at 9p.m when by the time we reached the ice skating ring is already 7.30p.m. and it’s really bo hua to skate for 1.5hrs and pay 14 bucks when we can pay 16 bucks for 3 hours of singing! Haha!

The reason why we reached that late was because we were so busy pasting the photos that we developed onto the giant birthday card that we prepared for Wee Keat. And of cos, we got to have our dinner before ice skating right? If not we will be starving to death. And on this day onwards, my working hours are changed to 7.45a.m – 5.15p.m on Mondays to Thursdays and 7.45a.m to 4.45p.m on Fridays. Waking up early means I will get hungry real soon. We had KFC for dinner and I must say the KFC at JE SUCKS. But i was having cravings for that, so bo bian loh. And singing is so fun! We sang till 11p.m and head home, and I dropped dead on the bed after showering!

The back of the birthday card

Me holding the giant card

The inside of the card

The group pics

It’s another post birthday celebration for a colleague. This time round, it’s Wing Kin’s turn. The sabotage starts at 12noon when we are having our lunch time. And we had prepared a special lunch menu for him, except that he can’t choose.

This is his special lunch.

Happy Meal comes with a toy, of course. That’s rat which they always throw around.

The birthday boy look shocked!

And he’s so brave to drink the drink mixture of orange juice, onion and some unknown ingredients.

And the egg mayo with wasabi

Yummy? I don’t know and I don’t wanna know!

And the ‘dessert’ after the special prepared lunch. Searching for the key that’s placed in the flour.

This is the fake present.

Presenting the GAYS:
Gay no. 1

Gay no. 2

Gay no. 3 and the REAL present is on Keith‘s hand

Gay no. 4

Gay no. 5

Presenting the GROUP pictures!
I think this is supposed to be Ultraman Sign. But somehow it became so Xu Chun Mei.

The guys

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

The fake credit card.

And the REAL present!

And I don’t know if I should be glad that I’m a girl. And how is it possible to HIDE my birthday from this crazy people? OMG.

Went clubbing last night! After such a long time. We were supposed to St James, but at the very last minute, XueYan is not coming (cos he’s going to m’sia the next day) and his bunk mate gotta celebrate his friend’s bday. So we changed to Butter Factory but Zong Yang is not of age yet (Guys minimum age is 21 yrs old, Girls minimum age is 18 yrs old [i supposed, because we walked off after the door bitch told ZY he can’t go in]), so we have to change our plans again. What makes the whole night stupid was, we took cab to Boat Quay because his stupid bunk mate say he’s there and when we were about to reach, they are at Riverside Point. That’s not the end, we ended up going to Clarke Quay just to meet his friend, who walked off to look for some pub without bidding goodbye and there is not even a ‘Hi’ from them. Good thing is they are NOT handsome at all, so we don’t really bother. So we decided to go MOS, but after walking a big round because the girls was so engross in their conversation, we walked the wrong direction, we ended up in front of The Arena, and since I haven’t been there and I HEARD it’s happening, so we decided to try out the place. Because ZY kept saying he can’t go in because he thinks the minimum age for guys is 21 yrs old, so i went to the bouncer and asked if he can go in. But the bouncer didn’t really answer my qns, he only told me to ask the GUY (referring to ZY) to queue up. Well, I thought being in the army, ZY will learn NOT to be so ‘beat-around-the-bush’. When you are told to get something done, you just do it. After all, we , as girls, are definitely of age to go in! Nevertheless, the entrance fee for The Arena is $30 for girls and I can’t imagine the entrance fee for guys. And there is LIVE band and when the band is resting, there is R&B, Hip Hop music. And for that $30 bucks you paid for, there is 3 drinking coupons. And yes, we tried to enjoy ourselves (OK, we DID enjoy ourselves), but there is stupid Ah NEI who keeps following us. This scares us.

After that, I went to Bi‘s house instead of mine because he wants to see me. I didn’t wanna make him upset further, so I went to his house still despite me keep rejecting him before going to club.

We drink ORANGE JUICE in club.

Eve‘s YO-YO sign

Our ONLY group picture. LOL.

The LIVE band

And I woke up at 1plus today. Bi‘s mum called me asking me if I need lunch and I told her I don’t need because I thought I’ll be going out early. So I called Scandal and wake him up just to meet him at 7.30p.m @ JP because he needs to get a hair cut. And then I read my Harry Potter and watch DVD with Aunty because I don’t have anything to do. And then around 5plus, Aunty asked me if I wanna go with them to pick up Bi. After that we went to Balestier to have dinner. And now I’m feeling so full. LOL. and now, I’m back at Bi‘s house.

Some things are so unpredictable. Don’t you agree with me?

One moment you are still in a relationship with someone and next minute, you guys broke up for only god knows reasons. Saw a friend’s profile in Facebook changed from “In a relationship” to “Single” shocks me. Because they have been together for at least 7 years if I remembered correctly. And I have yet find out anything from him, because I only saw the status change today. And then, I have another friend calling to pour out his sorrows on his relationship with his girlfriend. No wonder he hasn’t been contacting me, because his girlfriend checks on him. And today, he sent me a SMS to ask if I’m free tonight, his girlfriend saw it and I think she’s paranoid over this and reminded him of his promise to her that is never to cheat behind her back. Oh well. I still think that this relationship of his is not going anywhere even though he say his girlfriend is committed to it. But the thing is, how long more you can tolerate this relationship when she gets overboard most of the time? Telling you to apologise when you know the fault doesn’t lies in you. This sounds hilarious, but there are such people around! Being committed and still doesn’t have trust in each other, this relationship will be a tough one. Testing each other’s patience gets nowhere too.

Sometimes, I’m reminded how badly I have been treating Bi these 1 or 2 weeks. And I know clearly how it feels to be treated like shit, and yet, I gave him the same treatment. This is so wrong. Somewhere in my heart, I just couldn’t find the feelings I had for him. Why is this so? Why do I sound so bastard? Why am I behaving as if this relationship is nothing to me? It doesn’t feel the same anymore. I hated this feeling! Really hate it. Perhaps, I’m running away from this relationship because I just couldn’t stand being in a relationship for too long.

My friend hanged up the call because his girlfriend SMSed him and he SMS me back telling me his girlfriend pop up. See, so much trust for each other. And they just started early this year and have quarrelled umpteen times. All small matters add up to become a big issue in a relationship. Even if a couple who doesn’t quarrel at all, will never know what truly matters because perhaps, they don’t even talk about it. And once the volcano erupts, it’ll be too late to save anything.

And I still think I need some time to adjust my feelings back. Do you agree with me?

Finally, catch a movie after 2 weeks! It’s a long wait because I was so broke you know? Got my GST money from Government and now, I feel broke again. Paid off some debts, bills and my driving lessons money I don’t think I have much money left. That’s how sad I am now.

Nevertheless, movie is good! With a little bit of humor. And because I was busy getting my cosmetics, so I asked Evelyn to help me collect my movie tickets and when I went to look for her, I saw the person writing on 6 blank movie tickets. And when Bi and Wei Wan saw it, I told them GV no longer print out the tickets, they are going manual now. Wei Wan was shocked. It’s just a joke, why so serious? Haha!

After sending the girls home, we went to have supper at West Coast (you know the nasi lemak next to NUS?) and pool at Bukit Timah. =] Reaching home ard 3a.m, and i was so tired already. One day, I will win Wei Wan in pool! Humph.