I shouldn’t love you, but I want to I just can’t turn away I shouldn’t see you, but I can’t move I can’t look away
And I dont know How to be fine when I’m not ‘Cause I don’t know How to make a feeling stop
Just so you know This feeling’s takin’ control Of me and I can’t help it I won’t sit around I can’t let him win now Thought you should know I’ve tried my best to let go Of you but I don’t want to I just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know
It’s gettin’ hard to Be around you Theres so much I can’t say Do you want me to hide the feelings And look the other away
And I don’t know How to be fine when I’m not ‘Cause I don’t know How to make a feeling stop
Just so you know This feeling’s takin’ control Of me and I can’t help it I wont sit around I can’t let him win now Thought you should know I’ve tried my best to let go Of you but I don’t want to I just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know
This emptiness is killin’ me And I’m wonderin’ why I’ve waited so long Lookin’ back I realize it was always there, just never spoken I’m waitin’ here Been waitin’ here
Oooh
Just so you know This feeling’s takin’ control Of me and I can’t help it I wont sit around I can’t let him win now Thought you should know I’ve tried my best to let go Of you but I don’t want to I just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know Whoa Just so you know Whoa Thought you should know I’ve tried my best to let go Of you but I don’t want to I just gotta say it all before I go Just so you know Just so you know
Beautiful song. Happened to came upon this song when I was listening to the radio last week.
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I wished I have some importance in the heart of someone I like/love you know. I used to feel very hurt when he remembers me only when he‘s drunk, wants me back when he‘s drunk.. but then to think about it, it’s better than he don’t remember me at all right? But, I also want that particular person to remember me when he’s sober too. If I could, I want to see that particular person as much as possible. Which I think is very important. I know my entries sounded so emotional, but I am just as emotional as I used to be.
Ah, working on a Public Holiday today! And I was actually struggling with myself (the good and the evil side of me in my brain) on my bed whether I should come to work after all I don’t feel too good waking up this morning. Nonetheless, I made it to the office before 9a.m. Very late I know, but it’s better than I don’t turn up at all right? And since I’m working on a Public Holiday, so I thought I might want to use the time wisely to do something for myself, so I decided to change my blogskin. Hahaha. Yup, so now I’m quite pleased with this skin but if I find it too boring I might just change it again because there isn’t any much colors. =D
Anyways, I was feeling very angry because of him. Because he can be so nice until I couldn’t believe it and then he can be so bastard until I feel like killing him. He wasn’t sure if he‘s going out with his i-supposed-police-friends yesterday because they suggested drinking (and since he drank so much the night before until 6am, he say he might not wanna go. DAMN, I should have see the MIGHT word.) , so he say let’s go watch a movie. And he stopped replying me at 5plus and I just kept waiting until he no longer onlines. I am like WTF? I waited for his DAMN replies. He did this to me on Saturday too.
This what happened on Saturday:
And I asked him if he saw my MISSED CALLS (twice, once @ 6.10p.m and another @ 7.20p.m), he told me he was sleeping (yah right, I called him he can’t hear it, Rau called and he heard it? He should have saw my SMS too right?) and only woke up an hour ago (I called him 7.30 p.m again).And then he say “you want then you come bugis find us loh”. So insincere right? Which means he doesn’t really want me to go if not he would have asked me when Rau or whosoever called. THEN WHY asked if I wanna join the night before? So pointless right? Sighed.
Back to where I stopped:
So Iasked Scandal if he’s free and he say yes. We SMSed awhile and he told me to check the timing and I SMSed him. But he made me wait until 8plus and then reply me saying he’s ready to go out after playing CABAL (he could have told me!) when I received NO REPLIES from him since 1800hrs. So I told him we can watch it another day because I don’t feel like stepping out of my house after doing my nose mask. FUCK. That’s why I’m so mad.
And I bet, he went drinking till this morning. Ha. But who cares? I already feel damn cheated when I quarreled with Scandal over him loh. For what? I don’t know lah. You know what? Lucky I considered twice about going back to him if not I would be hopping around the house wanting to kill someone (because I knew at that point of time, he was asking me causally + he’s high (or perhaps drunk) + doesn’t mean it). FUCK FUCK FUCK. I shall not be nice towards him anymore. And I don’t want to MSN or SMS him anymore! FUCK.
And everyone knows I m just venting my anger because they know I can’t treat him bad at all.
I dun understand why does some people always keep each other waiting.
Example: i want to watch a movie, I’ve to WAIT for that person’s reply. What makes it worse is, after long wait… it’s either he replies you slowly or no reply at all. Then in the first place, DON’T SUGGEST OR AGREED on catching a movie. Do you even know that it’s just so bad to give people hopes and then THRASH it. Zzz. But I know that person DON’T.
How come these people just DON’T UNDERSTAND noone likes to be kept waiting all the time?? One minute this person treats you damn nice, next minute he MIA on you and when you SMSed him, all he does was to reply you nothing at all. Doesn’t sound apologetic, as if it’s OK for you to wait and you shouldn’t get angry even if he doesn’t reply you.
YAH, if YOU are mocking at me because I have NOONE to go out with, go ahead. I’m so used to being mocked at BY YOU. Every time, I just feel worse inside my heart. But, NOONE CARES. Once people found their love, they tended to forget about their friends.
And me?
No love. No friends.
What am I thinking now?
I’m thinking it’s just so hard to ask people out now. And guess what? I don’t enjoy being a light bulb all the time because I am always being LEFT OUT. So what’s the point of asking me out if you are going to leave me behind? =[
Can you believe that I have actually cope myself at home for the past 2 days? Can you believe I actually stayed at home on Saturday and Sunday. =.=||| I can’t believe it neither. But this is actually happening to me! Gosh.
Poor me. When your friends have partners and you don’t have. This is what happens. I think I no longer have friends to go out with anymore. Friendless. But, I don’t need a boyfriend just for company. I need a boyfriend to LOVE, to HUG, to REMEMBER me at all times, to make me feel CONFIDENT, to BE THERE for me, when he DOES THINGS he REMEMBER to COUNT ME IN and COMMIT to me, me and ONLY ME. I sounded selfish right? Noone in this world is totally selfless.
I am feeling damn emo last night. No idea why? Happiness is short term. The more I’m happy, the more I think sadness will come to me soon. Why? The more he treats me nice, the more I think the happy time will be overdue soon. Even Scandal…. he don’t understand… This is even more sad. Can someone help me?
Standard Charted Marathon is near. And it’s this SUNDAY. OMG, I hate it when it’s so near leh. Which means I have to wake up @ 6am to get prepared. Since when will Jaymee go for such events? Because company made it COMPULSORY loh. ZZzzzz. And my colleagues are putting bets on whether I will turn up or not. LOL. What do you think? I think I’m falling sick over the weekends liaos.
I told myself if I could, I will not fall for the same thing again. But I know I’m allowing myself to fall for it again. Sighed.
Some times I know I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I know I can be very fucked up at times, but it was not supposed to be this way. I want a normal life. The life that I yearn to have. What is it? I don’t know. This is the question I have been asking myself too.
How does it feels to be the last one in your friend’s phone list? After he/she had called the WHOLE world and none of the WHOLE world is available, the last person he/she remembers would be you. This actually makes me very sad. And it would be sadder if it’s that important person who did this to you. And of course, that important person might not know that he/she is important to you because you did not made it known, but still disappointment is there.
And then how does it feels when you know someone wants to be with you and yet both of you knows very well that another party can’t commit as yet. Worse, he doesn’t know what he wants. This upsets the other party. But you know very well that he/she’s treating each other well. Perhaps even better. Somehow you feel he/she has changed. And he/she did hesistated about wanting each other. The situation will be the boy ask girl and girl reject because she has the fear of being hurt. And most importantly, she don’t know if she can trust and love him anymore. She doesn’t have confidence in relationship anymore. Long time ago.
I know I’m stupid in relationships. I know I’m vulnerable. I know people has been warning me about him treating me nice with some unknown intentions which I know what intentions he has. I wondered, is that intention very important? Because if it does then it would be hard to be friends after breaking up? People always tell me it’s hard to be friends with ex bf(s), which I don’t really agree.
Look, I’m still in terms with Sze Tien, who was my 1st ex. And he still wishes me “Happy Birthday” on my birthday (although I thought he had forgotten about it, but he never fails to make me laugh with the MMS picture he sent.) and we still meet up once awhile. The only person that I did not want to be friends with is Donald, who was my 2nd ex. Why? Because I think he suck totally. Recently he wants to add me back in MSN and of course I didn’t mind, but I don’t think that’s necessary because I have nothing in common with someone like him. And I’m still a friend to him. Though I’m not mentioning his name here because I won’t know if he’s fine with it, but I’m sure you guys know who i am referring to. I was very disappointed when he told me not to post up his picture (the one we took at Singapore Flyer) in my blog because it feels like he doesn’t want people to know he went flyer with me on my birthday. =[ After a few days, I asked him again if I could post the picture we took in my blog, and he say up to me, I was happy again. Because at least this is an open friendship. Silly, I know.
He always say I’m not very friendly towards his friends because I don’t always talk to them. Partly was because I don’t know them too well? At least I talk to Don & his girlfriend when we were out on Friday. That’s because I always see Don. Hahaha. And sometimes I’m very glad that he’s around you know? Because he always help me solve my IT problems and teaching me new stuffs. This is so cool! And he says he will teach me 3D Studio Max once he master it! =D See, I can be so happy with small things like that. Oh yes, and the toy we caught at the arcade on Sat? Looks like him. So I say it’s his clone. Hahaha! See?
I’m so happy over the weekends because I met up with Scandal on Sunday to buy my laptop RAM to realized he didn’t know how. =[ So I end up buying the 4GB Kingston RAMs @ JP for $49 each. =[ Which I think i can get cheaper at Sim Lim leh, but the thing is he’s at wedding + I’m very desperate to get the RAM. Ok, it’s over. No point brooding over it.
My conclusion is, I don’t want to keep thinking about that hurtful past because I want to move on. I know I can’t do this alone if people around doesn’t help me. All I know is, guys can be fickle minded as well. I really want to believe he’s a changed person now because I can see the changes in him for the past 2 months. =]
Woke up @ 4plus p.m today, I don’t think I will wake up that early if he did not call me otherwise I think I will drag myself to wake up after 5p.m. =X Really tired because it feels like I didn’t catch enough sleep for ages man, it’s time that I replenish my sleep time. So I won’t feel so sick. Not enough sleep = you will fall sick easily. That’s what happens to me ok?
Anyways, I have FINALLY went to watch “Body of Lies” with him @JP because hewants to buy leather shoes for the wedding tomorrow. BUT, there isn’t any suitable shoes to go with that black, nice and cool jeans he bought at Zara (the reason WHY I say that jeans is nice and cool was because I AM the one who chose it. Ok, that’s beside the point lah. Wahahaha). So, dropped the idea and we went to buy ticket for the movie @ 12.20mn and we went to arcade to spend the rest of the time. I think this is the FIRST time i went arcade with him loh. Guess what? I think we have spent more than $50 bucks in the 2 arcades. Why? Trying to catch that stitch toy.. And we spent $45 on that sweet machine thinking I will win that cute stitch toy and guess what? I got ANOTHER toy (see picture below) which I think looks like him. LOL! And now, I have one BIG packet of sweets. I think it weighs about 1KG? =]
Wahahaha, so you agreed with me?
And I think the movie is great! And the character Russell Crowe (Ed Hoffman) is really fucked up because he’s so interested in catching the terrorist leader, he don’t care about the innocent lives! Whereas Leonardo Dicaprio (Roger Ferris) who plays an intelligent CIA officer who works with Hani Salaam to track down the terrorist leader, Al Salim. And how spy works, it’s really interesting. Go watch it man. Don’t waste such a good movie.
Because I’m a fan of Russell Crowe, I think the movie is damn good. =D After that we took a cab homeee! And here I am sitting in front of my laptop, feeling too laziie to go shower.. I think I will go shower in a few minutes time, and yeah, I LIED. Perhaps in an hour’s time! Hahaha
Listen to my heart beat 