周杰伦 – 说好的幸福呢

一堆绘画凌乱着
在这个时刻
我想起斑鹃般的白鸽
甜蜜散落了
情绪摸名地拉扯
我还爱你呢
但你断断续续唱着歌
假装没事了
时间过了 走了
爱情面临选择
你冷了 倦了我哭了
你开始的不快乐
你用卡片信写着
有谁爱只给到这真的痛了
怎么了 你累了
说好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不说了
爱断了 梦怨了
开始你不该信疑 一心述着你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻 我都还记得
你不等了 说好的 幸福呢
我错了 泪干了 放手了 后悔了
只是回忆那音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢
一堆绘画凌乱着
在这个时刻
我想起斑鹃般的白鸽
甜蜜散落了
情绪摸名地拉扯
我还爱你呢
但你断断续续唱着歌
假装没事了
时间过了 走了
爱情面临选择
你冷了 倦了我哭了
你开始的不快乐
你用卡片信写着
有谁爱只给到这真的痛了
怎么了 你累了
说好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不说了
爱断了 梦怨了
开始你不该信疑 一心述着你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻 我都还记得
你不等了 说好的 幸福呢
我错了 泪干了 放手了 后悔了
只是回忆那音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢
怎么了 你累了
说好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不说了
爱断了 梦怨了 画都还记得
你不等了 说好的 幸福呢
我错了 泪干了 放手了 后悔了
只是回忆那音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢
说好的幸福呢

Finally! We got a new modem router for our house!

Went to Sim Lim Sq after work with Nicholas and Margie to buy the new modem router, because it’s really stupid for us to keep paying the internet bill and not use it. We bought a Wireless-N ADSL2+ Gateway. And to set it up, took me about almost 2 hours. Reason being, because I do not have the Account Name and Password for the singnet broadband. And I’ve to call up Singnet (1610, which is USELESS at night because there is no technical helpdesk) to reset the password which DOESN’T work. I tried umpteen times and the password or the username is still incorrect. Without internet, I couldn’t call Singtel Broadband Technical Helpdesk, so I got my sister to help me check out the number (1800 8486 933). And there, the person I spoke to told me they don’t really do technical support for Linksys Modem Router and this time I am like, “HELLO, you guys SUGGESTED me to buy that one lo!”

And indeed, after calling up the Linksys helpdesk, my wired AND wireless works perfectly fine and the internet speed is SUPERB! After all, we spent $155 on this N series wireless modem router, which is I supposed is the latest ones available in the market. Nicholas fell asleep while waiting for me to finish configuring my wireless. And I even helped my little sister to configure hers. LOL. And by the time I reached Nicholas’s house was like 12mn, I’m really very tired liao. Did I mention he was supposed to help me with the modem? Well, I guess I handle it well enough. Next, I have to buy RAM for my fucking slow laptop. =] Cheers!

The chapter of him SMS-ing me and make me so confused has come to an end. Because this time round, I couldn’t take it anymore, I told him to fuck off from my life.

Yeah, I really said that if you don’t believe me. But I don’t need anyone to believe me. This is so sad, because we can’t even be friends. Not with me still loving him so much.

So fuck off from my life even if you have no intentions like what you had said. Of cos, I want to believe that you won’t ask me back again and i DON’T DESERVE different treatment. And I aint a doc to his fucking loneliness. This is the last-est good bye.

PS: this shall be the last entry about him.

MAYBE, I will be able to be his friend, if time is long enough for me to forget. Forget abt what has happened between us. Forget that I loved him so.

I am sick and tired from those packs of LIES he told me. And ONLY ME will believe such lies. WTF.

Can someone tell him to FUCK OFF from MY LIFE?

What a bastard.

Scandal no longer Scandal because he thinks I’m ready to go back to him. Ya right. Over my dead body. But if that’s the case, then let it be. Maybe I will be fine alone.

AHhh! I know this sounds stupid. But why do I always go ‘crazy’ whenever he SMSed me? = And why do I even miss him now? FUCK. Maybe this will go away soon.

And pls, don’t say how bad he was in the past. Don’t say that in front of me at least. This really makes me feel sad. I’m sad enough.

Nicholas has been putting stress on me, knowingly or unknowingly, until I couldn’t take it anymore, i exploded. By saying very mean things to him and wanting to go home in the middle of night. Please don’t say you are not like him, because YOU ARE LIKE HIM.

Everyone is concerned about him. Samuel, Wei Wan and even Evelyn. Where are my friends who will show me some concern too? Maybe they think I have been thru this once and I will get it over soon. Or maybe they think I’m being mean to him, that’s why they are showering him with care and concern? How I wish I can get out of this shit hole. But apparently, I can’t. I can feel myself going back to the past. If people can move on, why can’t I move on too? Being emo isnt the best solution. But that’s me, always.

Nicholas was trying to tell me how much he loves me and how much he needs me and how much he wants me to stay. But still, I want to leave. I want to LEAVE HIM. I asked him why I should stay for him, he say because he love me very much. I can’t love him and in fact, sometimes I feel like I hated him. For doing things that I hate.

Guys being guys, they have the lust for sex. So why say you are different from him when you are JUST like him? I did not blame him for what happened last night because it was kinda expected. But I really want to have that kind of trust in you, but it’s just so hard now. Kept telling me how bad he was, is not going to help. Because I hate you for saying those things to me. I DON’T WANT TO BELIEVE in any single things you said about him. And yes, you DO NOT SAY I wanted IT when you are the one who wants IT.

In Nicholas, I see the past me. So irritating trying to patch up with him. Now I know how it feels like when he doesn’t love me anymore and I kept persuading him to change his bloody mind. I’m a pain in my own ass.

Fuck, I hate being in a relationship. I need to get out of this shit soon. Can someone help me?

I had my hair cut. Don’t ask me why. Because I don’t know too.

Dear Myself,

After these 3 days of communicating with him, I have decided that I can’t be his friend. And perhaps will never be. Because thinking back into the past, the scar is still there. The hurt is still there. Pretending everything is normal when it’s not, it’s just not me. Well, at least, he feel sad for his recent break up.

Some things are not meant to be and will never be the same again. He and I know it very well. Even Evelyn can remember clearly that he promised he will never contact me ever again. And what changes his mind, I don’t know and I guess I won’t know.

We were SMS-ing after heading home separately. I asked him, why did he asked me out for dinner? And he just reply, “just for dinner lo. need a reason to ask me out for dinner?”. Some times, when things happened too sudden, I guess I need a reason. Nevertheless, he was being nice when I told him my router spoil and got no internet, he tried to help me fix the problem, thru phone of course. And we hang up the call because the problem cannot be resolved. And then we ended the conversation.

All these while, I have been thinking and I know this kind of ‘connection’ will not last for long. And he say he‘s fine with this. Of cos, he‘s speaking from his point of view and me, being me, can never be fine. Perhaps not now loh. The tone that he used to talk to me, feels different but forever sounded not song when he talks to me, and I wondered why.

He asked me, what’s the him I know. The him I know is fickle minded. Forever changing. Never tell me what’s on his mind. Loves drinking. Loves to know new girls. Treat me nice when he wants me, and treat me like shit when he wants me to F.O. And I even asked him if he have changed. Perhaps. But I won’t know because I’m not going to stand here and wait. He say I still can ask him out, but by doing that, I will make myself very vulnerable towards him. So I deleted ALL his SMSes, deleted ALL my sent SMSes to him, cleared my call logs, and deleted his number from my phone. Whatever I did above, I still can remember his SMSes and his number. Ha. So it’s also pointless lah.

And I know it will take him another few months to SMS me or even to ask me out. Not that I know him too well, worse still, I realized I don’t even know him.

Loves,
Jaymee

Surprised because he asked me out for dinner tonight. Shocked because I actually meet him. Happy because I see him. Sad because this will not last for long.

Dinner at JP with him at Billy Bombers. After 7 months.

How much I hate to know my ex-bf came looking for me because his previous relationship didn’t work out and this is the time he decided to be my friend.

Can we really be friends at all? After all, I loved him so much in the past. After all the shit things that had happened. We chat like a long time old friend. The feeling is very weird. Am I stupid to even agree to meet him for dinner? Because I seriously think that nothing that happened in the past will happen again for the 3rd time. Sitting in front of him, I can’t look at him directly into his eyes. Actually, I can’t even really look at him. The whole thing about him sitting in front of me, is so weird. He told me he‘s working office hour now, at home. He told me about the indians who beat him and Kai up at Boat Quay. He told me he‘ll be going to Australia to work for a month after he ORD, I seriously don’t know how I should feel. I have mixed emotions. We sat there for awhile to chat and went home after dinner. He went his way, I went mine. I did not ask him anything that concerns about us. Not anymore. Because certain things are meant to remain unspoken.

I’m so sorry Nicholas. Sometimes, I just can’t seems to make this whole thing right. By using you to forget about him is a wrong move. This is the greatest mistake I have done to you. I am really very sorry.

It took me 2 hours to finish the 300 pieces of jigsaw puzzle that I bought on Saturday. And once I am done with it, I gave it to Nicholas. I wanted to tell him, this is actually our parting gift. But I can’t bring myself to say that.

And he replied me as early as 6a.m.. This is what he replied me when I told him not to contact me because of his loneliness:

“If I say I got no intention, I’m lying to myself. But seriously, why did I break the contact? You are in denial at that time.I broke off with you in a calm way but you seem to make it a very big fuss. I will give you time to accept the fact. and in the end we can be friends..and yes, i do regret losing girl that love me so much. if i feel lonely, i won’t only msg you today right?i don’t msg you for because i’m lonely la.if i were,why didn’t i msg you for the past 7-8 month?”

I can’t be any more calm you know? How much I have suffered during this past few months trying so damn fucking hard to forget this whole incident and move on? But it’s like a scar, it stays here permanently. No other man can remove it. And then out of the blue he told me he doesn’t fuck around, the girls around him are like friends just like me and my guy friends. Perhaps that was because I said the reason why he didn’t SMS me for the past 7-8 months was partly because he was busy with different girls. When I asked him what is his intention again, he told me from the start he already told me that he msg me because he miss me. I wasn’t really convinced at all. I wasn’t convinced because the first time he SMS-ed me after we broke up for the first time, he said he think of me that’s why he SMS-ed me. And when I asked him what’s the difference between think and miss, he said MISS is a more emotional word. And this time, he uses the word, MISS. And when I was sacrastic towards him, he even asked me what’s is the difference? See? That’s the thing, he doesn’t remember the things he said to me, but I remember everything he said to me, good or bad. He said, he didn’t have the intention to break off ALL contacts with me. He deleted his friendster and facebook, but he didn’t delete me from his phone and memory. Am I supposed to be touched because he didn’t even bother to inform me that he changed his number and MSN? The only thing I didn’t ask him was, how he know I got a bf then. And then we stopped the conversation. You know, this is the first time he replied me so much?

I met up with SiKai after a long period of time not seeing him. Met up with him at West Mall to catch a movie, Big Stan. I almost couldn’t recognise him because he looked a little different. Perhaps it might be because of the injuries on his lips and forehead and some other places. Now, I finally know why he got beaten up by the indians. That’s what I have expected. Got drunk, ‘OEI’ the indians and Kai got beaten up because he ran away to seek help. And he couldn’t tell me what happened because he don’t remember.

The movie is funny. And lame. It’s about this real estate con artist, Stan, who was afraid of going to jail (he was given a sentence of 3years old) because of the jail rape, got himself a Master and learnt all the necessary skills and then became the leader of the jail. But the thing is the corrupted warran wants to sell the jail and Stan was in the way. The end, Stan wins.

After the movie, me and Kai went to Bukit Timah to have supper and after which his friend came in to join us. We did some catch up. Talked abt him and I was surprised that he asked Kai how have I been. I don’t know if I should be sad or be happy about it. But I have to left half way because I have to work today and Nicholas was still waiting for me go home. I feel so guilty whenever I looked at Nicholas, because I know he’s sad. And even though we broke up, he still want me to stay. I know he loves me but I really can’t love him. He even say he doesn’t mind if I don’t love him, I can’t commit and I wanna go out play. He’s so like me. Because he loves me more than I love him, just like I loved him more than he ever loved me. That was why Nicholas is so like me. I promised, I will still meet him on his off days and days when I am not out with my friends. But I hate to give him hopes and later flush it into the toilet bowl because I cannot uphold my promises to him. He make me so selfish. I broke up with him and he still want me to hold on to him. This really makes me very sad. My heart is aching, but I can’t do anything for him. I am really so useless. Tell me what should I do? I even lied to him that I wasn’t SMS-ing him and told him the truth only this morning. He kept persuading me not to go back him. But, somehow my heart is no longer here. I even tried to scare him by saying maybe in the near future I might say I love him again, and he just reply me “let nature take its course” and he’s not afraid of that? Is he a changed person now? But I can say he’s still the same person I knew beginning of THIS yr. Not last. Because the one I knew last yr, really loves me in the beginning. He say he will stop SMS-ing me if only I want him to, because after all, he was the one who started SMS-ing me first.