There was once, I asked my love if he’s gonna accompany me to my best friend’s wedding, he replied: “I don’t know because I have nothing to talk to them (or rather I don’t know if I have anything to share with them).”
Next week, he came to me and told me a piece of good news. A good friend of his is getting married and he’s bringing me along. Next moment, he told me that the wedding dinner of this person was arranged in such a way that it might be a little impossible for him to bring me along. And I was disappointed, for the fact that I love weddings (except the part where I have to give red packet) and, I want to go with him. But I told him, “it’s ok.”. So this good friend of his asked him why he wants to bring me along, he told her “because he can talk to me if he doesn’t have anything to talk to the rest of them.”. And then this friend of his asked him again if he likes me and if we are together, he answered the latter by saying no (or perhaps, his ‘no’ is referring to all of the questions asked?).
If loving me is something to be kept as a secret, then I will not openly announce to the whole world that I liked him too (this is to be fair and square). I have been trying so hard to communicate with him, but it seems like he still doesn’t understand what message I am trying to deliver across to him. To him, what he said makes sense and what I said, is stupid. And to him, loving me is a stupid thing to do. Why so? Because I couldn’t give him what he asked for which I am not going to mention here. And he always say he’s stupid when we are quarreling. Most of the people say, “Quarrels makes a couple closer. When someone is quarreling, it means that they care for each other. If one day, they ever stop quarreling with each other, it means that they do not care anymore.”. Quarrels makes me want to run away. Because what I got from quarreling, is most verbal abuse. And I am sick and tired of this. Guys will start to tell me how lousy I am and stuffs like that. It really hurts. Nevermind, whatever that doesn’t kill me, makes me a better person. =]
He asked me one question “Why are you selfish? Why are you not willing to give me everything? Why are you so unreasonable?”. I wished I could simply answer all these questions, to him. Deep down in my heart, I have gotten the answer. Humans are born selfish. And at the certain point of time, he/she can only do stuffs that benefits him/her. Simple concept right? But sometimes, people are so blinded by the truth that they refuse to accept this fact. And these are my fact if it’s not yours. After being dumped for so many times, what do you learn from past relationships? That’s to protect yourself. And when he told me that actually guys lose a lot in a failed relationship, I wanted to believe him. But what they got is pleasure, and what we got is agnoy and pain. Perhaps in some situation, it’s vice versa.
It’s wrong to condemn all guys just because of one rotten tree. Agreed? No matter what, my love has been standing by me ever since we got in contact again after a long long time and thru my ups and downs. And I think this is enough. I am giving up my love because I think it’s our thinking that differs us, and I could no longer take it. It feels like he’s challenging me mentally everyday. Everything, every single word I said, turns out unpleasant to him. And I seriously don’t know how to communicate with him anymore. He told me that the best solution to resolve this problem is to talk face to face, but this has been a long time problem, and it looks like we are unable to resolve, permanently.
I wished I could give him more. But even before we can get together, he’s expecting so much of me. How am I going to survive should one day we be together?
“Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another’s personhood” – Karen Casey
I was trying to tell him, if he really loves me, he should not expect or even demand those things from me. And I kept emphasising the best is yet to come and since I love him, it’s a matter of time that I will give him everything that he expect of me (now). Time is one of the factor. And status is another. Without status, we are nothing but just friends. And to a friend, there is limit as to what I can do for them. Don’t you agree with me? But he don’t understand. He thinks we can even skip the BGR stage, and jump directly into marriage. How funny? But this is not what I want. I used to give everything, and now, I am left with nothing. Experience told me that I should protect myself from getting those unnecessary hurts again. But my love told me, the right I am protecting myself, I am guarding against the wrong person. To me, all guys are almost the same. So it doesn’t matter while I am guarding against the wrong person. All I need is someone who respect me for who I am, and dotes on me. He doesn’t have to be rich, he needs to be loving.
And this is the end of this whole saga.
Listen to my heart beat 