was almost late for work today but still, i think i made it. hahaha. lunch was as usual, a bit bz though. with she-who-shall-not-be-named as host, i dun think we can have very crowded lunch. lack of staff today cos gim wei & nana is on MC thus, me & guo bin have to look after station 3. but den it’s ok.. at least, no mistake. and poor tim, he’s sick now. and he does look like a sick person. so i worked until 8pm instead of 5pm cos it got so crowded today. well, i have a sumptuous meal today during break time. me, bin & rin shared money and we bought chix chop, macaroni & balti butter chix s/w to share. lol. omg, that’s so delicious. and the best part is, macaroni was prepared in the mama mia “banana-look-alike-bowl(plate)?”!!! damn~ lol. it makes me happy.. well, after that i acc sue to go P.S to buy her polo t-shirts and guobin tagged along too. after that i walked to heeren to meet duckie… and den we went to eat swensen.. though i’m not hungry surprising i finished my food. gosh.. i do feel like a pig. lol. and now my stomach is so big now. den after that we went to watch “Wolf Creek“. well, starting of the show is bored. reali. muahaha. blah blah blah. den we went home after that. “Pack me in ur laggage leh.. take me to aust too if not pack tooty inside..” den he said, “u think can pack whatever thing inside meh, i not go there for holiday some more”… ok.. whatever.. i was only joking. den he asked me if i wanna go with him. the prob is, i have NO money for flight, for hotel & food. haha. he reali talks like going to sentosa man. sigh. whatever…

did i wronged him? he said he din block me in msn bcos he wasnt at home. he didnt reply my sms was bcos he was at SGH.. did i? he said he wants to start afresh with me. but, who knows whether will the feeling fade away or get stronger. i’m sorry. i have my fears too.

i m so upset right now.. i have been feeling down since afternoon before my IC paper.
i’m asking if i’m wrong to ask him to teach me IC? asking help from him i dun see where have i gone wrong. but the fact that he doesnt like me meet him is true. i know he didnt like. but den i only went to ask help from him? in this sense, i’m wrong.. because he doesnt like me to meet him. i admit, on the 1st day i asked him for help i dd not inform him, i’m wrong. on the 2nd day i asked permission from him if i could ask him for help or he wants me to wait for him to finish work so he could teach me. he said i could go ahead when i called him at TCC.. den a few mins later he called me back and den keep saying staffs.. in short, we have break up. it was no one’s fault. my fault of cos. i know he didnt like & i do it anyways. but i dun feel that way. and, he even blocked me in msn. =] that shows how much he claims he love me. =)

i will NEVER EVER believe in a guy when they claimed they love me. and at the end of the day, we will just break up. =) life. that’s my life.

today, i went to work and i tot i heard my mum leaving the hse at 9plus in the morning.. lol.. well, she did.. i wake up to get my hp cos i was charging it last nite.. den i went back to dreamland. and wake up at 10plus. den prepare to go work blah blah blah.. work was ok.. quite entertaining, and gim wei was sick.. so guobin took over his shift and work until 10pm. lol. gosh… den i was like waiting and waiting to finish work.. and the rest was so fascinated by the nyp student thingy.. oh well.. den i called duckie and asked him if he wants me to wait for him to finish work so he could teach me and after the li li lala, he tell me to go ahead. fuck. a few mins later he called back and complain blah blah blah. i almost wanted to scold him fuck. i got so paranoid. i have to study for tml’s exam and he keep saying those things that arent related to it. wth.. what’s wrong with him? and he’s going to aust tis sun. gd. i dun even feel like meeting him after today. after he irritated me. fuck. i can’t think anymore.

i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.

need to study..

fuck, leave me alone.

i dont wanna upset u, thus, i chose to keep it from u. am i wrong? it’s true that there is nothing going on.. but ur words hurts me when u say “let’s go our way”.. are u implying a break up again? sorry, i can’t take it anymore. i hate it. reali hate it. it’s not i didnt think of how u feel b4 my actions. simple, if u trust me & my actions, dun doubt me. but den each time u said something lidat, u make me sound like i’m having affair with someone else and kept it from u. if u ever break up with me again, i swear to god or whoever be my witness, i’ll NVR EVER patch up with u no matter how much u say u wanna be with me. time will prove everything. i do things my way, but i did not screw things up. or perhaps in some situation, yah.. i tried to prevent everything, but things got worse. it’s fine with me. after all, this r/s wun last long as long as we behave in this manner. i tried my very best to give u my best though sometimes i know i treated u bad with my attitude. but talking to u is like… talking to the wall or sometimes i feel so discouraging from u when i tell u stuffs. i don’t even think u r listening to me. sometimes i wondered, did u ever lie to me. if u think nothing u do pleases me vice visa, den we shd really go our own way. den u wun have to try so hard to please me anymore. but i do love u.

i hate to be a small kid in front of everyone. i hate it. i need to grow up. treat me as a grown up please and stop saying i’m a small kid. i’m no more.

she had finally stopped her “bill out” thingy. yes. peace. and shocking thing is, she went out with this cambolia guy who was a regular at TCC.. tim doesnt like it. whatever. i have no mood to talk anymore nor do i have the mood to study.

i wake up late today.. was supposed to meet them (bren, damien & fang chew) at 12noon at when i woke up mama was washing clothes so i sms them that i’ll meet them at 2pm instead. so we went for a walk for a little while den we went to cineleisure becos i’m hungry.. den after that we went to nydc bcos bren wants to eat ice-cream. den we took a bus down to cityhall and meet everyone there while some went there (CHIJMES) straight. we spend many hrs there eating, slacking, taking pics.. i ordered a linguine.. damn.. it’s so spicy till i have to keep drinking water.. lol.. and there is this cute guy there.. damn.. lol~ it was so much fun till i don’t where to begin.. and suzy got herself drunk and she keep pinching me.. damn!! it’s so pain~~~ and suzy was like “where is that bitch?” and i was like “huh? who?”.. den she mouthed the word “Patricia“.. wahahaha. after all, she-who-shall-not-be-named make her drunk. lol.. the fun part was abd and bren got throw into the fountain.. lOL~ almost everyone was there except nana, amin & mason. there is a total of 21 persons with a total bill of $360 bucks. loL~

watched tv the whole day and feel so lazy to go out.. loL~ so i went out only at 7plus at nite and reach bugis at abt 8pm.. duckie acc me so we went to take the sim card which val’s fren has lost.. i’m such a nice person..muahaha.. anyways, den we went to watch “Final Destination 3″… and den we went to tcc to have dinner.. wahahaha.. den we walk and sit for awhile den go home.. lol~

even though i’m aching all over my body, but geez.. things work out for me today.. with a little bit of attitude. as usual, when it comes to she-who-shall-not-be-named, my attitude towards her SUCK.. realised something? each time she’s the shift-in-charge, i fucking have NO chance to CLOSE bar when i’m SUPPOSED to. thanks. and in the end, she got some problem with the cashier and i was giggling behind. loL~ that makes my night better.. muahaha.. oh, there is this guy customer who asked for his bill 3 times and each time i couldnt give him bcos the cashier was cock up.. =] ooPs.. =P and in the end he walked to the cashier wanting to pay the bill by calculating the amt himself.. and when he took out his cash, the cashier is ready again.. lol.. and he keep calling my name and den tell me his name is call jeffery.. lol.. there is something wrong with the TCC card redemption thingy, oh watever.. i’m not the one doing cashier.. and end up suzy & sue helped she-who-shall-not-be-named to close bar. pUI~! i vacuumed the floor and den mop the floor bcos the rest are busy helping the she-who-shall-not-named to close bar.. when the she-who-shall-not-named went for her break, i took over the bar and helped her do some washing and of cos, i’m such a nice person and to show her that i’m nice, i helped her to do pre-close for the bar.. of cos to stall time so that i can ‘save up’ the drinking glasses so she could wash HERSELF.. pUI~ what kind of stupid bitch is she? she only wash the cups & glasses and NVR wash the spoons.. well, did she expect the spoons will wash themselves? muahahaha, and when she-who-shall-not-be-named came back from her break, she was like “wah, so many glasses”.. YES, i did it!! muahahaha~ and damien prepared 1 mushroom VAV for me.. yay~ i’m so happy bcos i got food. muahaha. and fang chew looked weird today.. without styling his hair i guess. oh btw, did i mention tim looked like a mushroom when he didn’t apply any gel on his hair? DAMN! he looked like a mushroom (chinese mushroom some more), i just can’t happy laughing.. and today, he became Captain Hook. =) with the paper cup and my paper ‘hook’.. we all had some laughter.. =] after all he can’t hook up with that ‘hook’. =P i simply HATE she-who-shall-not-be-named. =) guobin (my punching bag) have already close bar for 6 times and i.. only 2 times.. when will she get transfeR??? and when guobin told me that i’m suppose to close bar and end up she-who-shall-not-be-named doing cos she wants.. i feel like.. ARGH.. go n die man.. muahahaha. curse and swear at her.. good saying, Once a bitch, always a bitch. =]

and today ah ma was complaining because mama nvr tell her abt the medicine and she tell me instead of her bcos she’s the one who’s taking care of my elder bro.. =.= was it suppose to be my fucking problem? why complain to mE? den she was like, u better make sure he take his medicine day & night blah blah.. it’s getting on my nerves.. damn.. ma chiam got my problem..

met up with duckie today. he came to look for me.. bcos he wants to see me.. i’m getting a bit too tired of, let’s break up.. and den we got back together the next day.. i find us so silly.. it’s like “let’s break up” is nothing to us.. =.= and of cos i wasn’t too happy when he say go eat and den when we reach there he doesnt wanna eat anymore bcos everything is closed.. and those stalls that are still opened, he can’t eat. -_- he shd know that since i’m working until 10pm.. by then, everything will be closed and whatever is left, is whatever he can’t eat. he was lidat ytd too man.. tell me, how not to get flare up? my attitude towards him wasnt that good too.. very bad.. but den, i can’t control.. i hate it when he talk until he’s going aust and wouldnt be coming back. each time he talks, he behave as if he’s going to die the next min.. -_- den wat’s the point of us going out? whatever.. sometimes i’m soooo sick of thinking and i think i shd fall into deep slp n nvr wake up again so i dun have to face so many craps. i feel like after so many things, nothing seems to be right.. after so many things, i’m still so lost.. what shd i do man.. i have no money, no talent.. basically, i have nothing.. i didn’t want to treat him this way oso.. but sometimes, i m too straight forward and say whatever things tat’s in my head and ‘shoot’ at his words.. i feel like.. “damn.. i shdnt have done that.” and when we are in the train he mention things like “i’m dying” and den i was saying jokingly “wanna die, die 1 side”.. and he say he was hurt by that.. =.= whatever.. nothing i say is correct anyways.. time to go slp.. i still have to wake up a bit early and get the sim card for val’s fren and pass it to her.. which means i have ALOT of places to go. fuck.

i had a very bad day ytd.. it all started when i woke up in the morning and my left leg hooked onto the bed bar when i was trying to get out of the bed to switch off the fan.. and den my right leg hit onto the bed bar causing a little swollen.. and my head almost hit the floor.. and i hurt my back.. i slept with discomfort in me ytd nite.. i keep tossing here and there trying to find a suitable and comfortable position to slp..

things at work got worse.. sigh.. i only check where is my station and i just go stand there forgetting the rest of the station and when i took order from table 3.. the guy ordered a dessert which i neglected.. bcos i was busy with other customers.. and as usual, pat go ard giving orders.. =.= outrageous… who do she think she is? so the customer at table 3 complaint abt that and tim wasnt too happy abt it.. and of cos, i have fault too.. my fault is i din inform whoever is in-charge of station 3 and that person happens to be suzy.. and, i only gotta know it after the customer complaint. and when pat came to talk to me & suzy, i was ignoring her somehow. c’mon, she’s a floater, i’m a server.. with so many tables to handle, and i’m such a forgetful person.. they expect me to remember everyone’s order so everything can come out promptly? fuck it. my mood is bad enough.. but damien always manage to make me happy by giving me some wedges with cheese dip to eat! hahaha. he still want me to work until 10pm so he can treat me fishball noodle? haha.. or rather, i treat him? =.=

after tat i went to meet up with duckie… if he din come to wait for me, i could have work until 10pm instead of 8pm.. who will say no to extra money esp, got OT.. sigh.. den he asked me what to eat and i have no idea so i say go home.. on the way home, we didn’t speak any words until when we are going to reach JP soon, den he say “lend me 5 mins of ur time, got things to tell u”.. when i heard that i was like “what are u going to say to me this time?”.. harsh i may seemed to be.. den i walked towards JP bcos he say he wants to eat and den he say he cannot eat things that are hard.. how am i suppose to know what he can eat or what he cant eaT? am i suppose to be like a god knowing everything without telling me? am i? den we walked to the playground we always go.. den he say things like “i think u shd forget me”, “i think u shd stop wasting ur time on me”, “i wun live past 30 yrs old”.. everything else i can accept but definately not those sentences he said to me. i can accept that his heart got a hole.. i can.. but i can’t accept he saying those things den then next min tell me he doesn’t wanna break up with me, but he got no choice.. it’s hard to make this decision.. and since he made this decision what makes him think that i will listen to him when i dun listen to everyone? of cos he went to seek help from darling.. after everything i said, darling said i’n black hearted bcos i refuse to say whatever is on my mind to him. bren say i shd go talk to him. but i nvr will. he erase me from his life.. so why shd i bother when he wants to push me away? so what if i care? he doesnt want me to care.

we break up? did we? he doesn’t want me anymore.. thus, i don’t want him.. fair? not fair.. of cos i wanted to be with him NO MATTER what problems he has.. he thinks it’s fair and not selfish for him to break up with me bcos he got heart problem (a hole in his heart). but the problem is, i don’t care if he’s going live long or short.. all i wanted was to be with him.. if i wanted to leave him, i would have left him LONG TIME ago and not now.. can’t he see?? sigh… i m so upset when he said that “i only want to watch the last movie with u..”.. i dun wan what last movie man.. i wanted to go aust with u too man.. but wed – fri next week.. i got exam on thurs.. and i have no money for flight to aust.. tell me.. what am i suppose to do.. tell me.