Listen to my heart beat

Right, the title and the content of this blog usually differs. This shouldn’t be a secret anymore.

One moment I was telling myself, why should I bother since I have already made the decision a few months ago. Then next moment I keep wondering, am I really that bad that he doesn’t love me anymore?

But then again, truth really hurts. Especially when my imaginations set in, it made things even worse. I started to ponder and question myself what went wrong. But obviously, our characters differs too much. And everything became worse. Both of us made a hasty decision to get married, and now we are gonna have our separate lives soon.

Then why made that decision in the first place?
Noone in the right mind would wanna get married and the next moment divorce comes into her mind. It happened to me a couple of times in the past few years and finally this divorce is taking place. It wasn’t really what I want it, but really its beyond my tolerance. I cannot be in a marriage when both of us seems to be living separate lives. He claimed he was trying to give me the freedom, but I say because he doesn’t love me. Any couple would wanna do things together regardless their differences. He said he doesn’t like my other group of friends, fine. What about those times that I was sick at home? He will go out with his friends. Even when I wish to sleep early, he will keep the lights on and then tell me that I can sleep with the lights on. And then unwillingly switch off the lights. Seriously, if I wanna have my so-called “freedom”, why do I wanna marry him in the first place? Being single, I will have all the freedom I want.

After Vday 2014, he took me for a Staycation at RWS (he insisted on having one), he went casino because he said I’m napping and promised to be back for dinner. I waited, called for room service and he only came back around 1plus am. And when I told him my unhappiness, he told me this is a one-time mistake. Seriously, I don’t buy this story. This is one mistake that he shouldn’t have made in the first place. Prior to that, he didn’t even bother to talk to me until we checked in.

Knowing that he doesn’t love me, and was trying to ‘keep’ this marriage, I am disgusted. One moment he was trying to ‘save’ this marriage, another moment he starts to agitate me with his nonsense. I should know it better.

To everyone, he is the person who wants to save this marriage and I’m the one who insisted on getting the divorce. Only God knows the truth.

Probably we are not ready for each other. This marriage happened for a purpose, I supposed.

Obviously my parents objected my decision to divorce. And for this, I resented them for pushing me too much. Of course I know they are trying to have my best interest. But by respecting me, is the greatest support of having my best interest.

I have been sitting in the park for a couple of hours, writing this entry. I am trying hard to keep clam. Its not easy to keep calm, especially being alone. Lucky, there are people who are willing to listen to my rants. All I need is a listening ears, why keep on rebuking me? It doesn’t make me feel better, it made me feel worse in fact. Sometimes I wondered who are my real BFF or do I even have one to begin with? When I cried a river, I will definitely feel better.

And no, I don’t regret my decision. I wish him all the best with his new gf. I just wished he is man enough to admit that he, too, doesn’t want this marriage anymore instead of pretending. I strongly believe if a man wish to keep his marriage, he wont have another gf as soon as I moved out his house or it probably started after I filed for divorce in April. Of course, I am not trying to be saint here. My biggest mistake is I spent too much money (which he loathes) and now, I am fighting within me. And most importantly, I gave him too much trust. Now then I realized why he kept forcing me to tell his parents and mine when I didn’t want to. And why he kept asking me how long the process will take and the house. He was trying to give the impressions to our parents that he tried to ‘save’ this marriage, and I am not willing to give him a chance.

Well, lets have hope for his next marriage and I really hope this time round he is not going to marry her just because she is another Christian girlfriend (probably a Christian, because he say same faith = same thinking). That’s what he has been saying to me, he married me because I am a Christian, not because he loves me. Same faith = same thinking. Sorry, most of the time I cannot bring myself to compromise to his weird and selfish thoughts.

And to those who came for my wedding, thanks for those well wishes. It just didn’t turn out the way it should be. Probably in the future I will take my own sweet time to decide on the man. This time round, it was rather impulsive, I would say.

The reason I’m upset is because I can’t believe I am with him for the past 5 years, wasting my precious youth. And came to know his true colors only now. I know I will have a better life without him once all things are settled, debts paid. I will learn from this lesson, never trust a man (a man who doesn’t does what he preach. A man of words) like him. Should have insisted when I first mentioned divorce in 2011. And I will open my eyes wider the next time if I ever gonna jump into marriage again.

And I have a sudden thought that once everything is settled, I do not want to stay here anymore.

You guys won’t understand, because it’s not meant for you to anyways. I just needed a space to rant, and this is my spot.

And oh, I didn’t know Wilson Teo and his gf were together for a few months until 2 – 3 days ago. God knows when this r/s of his started.