i am sick.

I love to be sick.

Because this the time whereby my boyfriend will shower me with care and concern.

But apparently, my previous bf did nothing like that. The most he say, “sick huh? go see doc first.” And when I asked him if he’s going to accompany me.. “huh? go yourself lah”.

I HATE LOVE. I LOATHE IT.

I realized, I could no longer recognize myself anymore.

I used to give all out for love, and now I am counting little details and what I will get in return. Ha. Ironically, any single person who likes me will find it so difficult to love me because I will be giving them so much hard time proving their love for me and testing their patience; even though I love him. You will see, how much agony he will have to go thru for me? So much and so pain till you can’t imagine.

Yeah. I know. I am behaving like a tyrant like as if every single guy who likes me (suay loh) owes me something. Even though I kept telling him not to compare himself with my ex boyfriend, subconsciously I am using my ex boyfriends as my guideline.

E.g. I insist on paying because I hate it at the end of the day, the guy told me THE TOTAL AMOUNT I OWE HIM DURING THE COURTSHIP DAYS. That would give me a shock.

E.g. If my boyfriend cares for me, I would care for him. If he treats me nice, I would treat him nice. But when he treats me like shit, I will still treat him nice. But now if you ask me again, I will give him hell. Not because I am nasty, but because I don’t feel the ‘need’ to treat him nice if he doesn’t appreciate me. Which means, we might end up breaking.

E.g. If my boyfriend says “I love you” to me, it feels like I have been to the moon! But when my boyfriend doesn’t say that to me anymore, I knew something is wrong and I would pretended that nothing is wrong and continue to fool myself with lies that I came up with to cover up all these. But if he kept saying that to me, I will just wanna keep him by my side forever and love him even more.

E.g. I love hugs and kisses. If my boyfriend hugs and kisses me everyday, how blissful I am. I dream of it day and night and night and day. But, that only happens during the first few months of my relationship and I don’t get it anymore.

When a guy loves you, he really loves you. He will go all out for you. When you are sick, he showered all his care and concern, bring you to the clinic and call you up to see if you are feeling better or you need him to run some errand for you. Any cravings? Tell him and maybe he’s able to fulfill it for you. But my case? None of this happen leh. Maybe the ‘call you to check if you are alright’ part exist but the rest? No. I was hoping my boyfriend would be one caring man who accompanies me to the clinic, who gets nervous whenever I am sick (even if I am pretending to be sick). Ok, maybe not all my ex boyfriends are so heartless. My first boyfriend would bring me to the clinic. And I like the feeling he gave me. Hugs and kisses. I love them all.

But, this is not the main point. He thinks I am lying to the whole world that I am the victim, and he’s the culprit. I was speaking from MY POINT OF VIEW. It’s ok if he thinks I am a liar. It’s ok. As long as he hates me, I AM PERFECTLY FINE with it. Why? Because I am mentally tired. I have no more strength to continue all these. Yeah, I am waiting for him and he’s waiting for me. But what’s the point? His friends hates me. That’s fine. It was because I love him that’s I love his friends too. I wasn’t like what I am now, but I am behaving the worse of me.

These days, I get angry and pissed off at little things. But then? Who cares about how I feel? Do they even know that I was boiling mad on Friday because I waited for almost 4 hours before I can my dinner at almost 9p.m? Yea, I was so mad but I tamed myself a little because it was a farewell dinner for Peili so I don’t want to spoil the atmosphere. SEE. I TRIED. And so I went to meet TY happily and he said something that I don’t like. I stopped talking to him. I wanted to tell him that I saw Nicholas. But then, he showed me some attitude too. So, we sing some more songs and head home. And the moment I reached hm, I lie on my bed and dozed off.

I really couldn’t be bother with these things anymore. Mentally tired. I am sick now, and I need a rest. I need someone who’s concern about me. He complaint that I don’t care about him, but actually I do. I wanted to ask him about his life and his everything! But quarrels, it doesn’t allow me to do so. Because we are humans who are blinded by anger.

Ahhh! Don’t mistaken. We are not together and I don’t have a boyfriend. I am just imaging my future boyfriend who is willing to take my shit.

Peili is going to Shanghai on Saturday. Afternoon flight. Wanted to go send her off, but Alvin got the tickets for Transformer @ 4.30p.m @ Cineleisure. Damnit. I will MISS YOU babe! Miss me too pls!

What a beautiful Sunday! What a stupid movie. I went all the way to Balestier to watch this super crap movie? If not for my parent’s free ride, I don’t even think I want to get out of my house. Robin suggested this movie, “Autopsy“, because he saw that it was rated 4/5 in yahoo.com.sg.

Synopsis:
A group of friends who just graduate from university met up together to party before entering to the socitey. And they met up with an accident with another car (which apparently disappear to nowhere and then an ambulance came and took them to Mercy Hospital. And then the girlfriend looks for her injured boyfriend and realized the cruel inhuman experience that’s going on in the hospital.

Apparently, the hospital only got 1 nurse (they don’t find it werid meh?), 2 guys who pushes the trolley and one doctor. The hospital is so quiet, like a haunted place. And the girlfriend (esther) called the 911 to realized that the hospital was closed down 3 years ago, and those old school drill for the head, oh gosh. What’s so thrilling to see people’s intestines, heart, lungs and all other organs hanging in the mid air? And when you hear the doctor talking about his wife who got terminal cancer, automatically it came into my mind that he’s doing all these stupid things for his wife (to substain his wife’s life). It’s not gross but boring. And it does not excite me any bit. What a spoiler. So much for the 4 stars rating. So, like i said, DON’T TRUST THE RATINGS ONLINE (unless other websites said the same thing)! LOL. Anyways, after that we went to Esplanade to chill out and went to Boat Quay. Bought a jar of beer and the waitress there drink for us, because we do not want to drink but wants to sing. Sounds stupid right? Might as well go to the Kbox or Partyworld (which ever is better). After that head home. And that’s why I am feeling so tired right now. Time to go back to work now! Hahaha~

Me & Robin

From Drop Box

Sometimes I really hate to talk to guys. I mean guys in general. Why?

It makes me wonder where is the location of their brain, because I suspect it’s not at the usual location. Why so?

I was talking to this person,

Me: Hey, I am taking up driving lessons for fun because I am a little bit gian (in English: tempted) to get the license after seeing almost everyone around me got one.
Him: You learn driving? OMG!
Me: Cannot meh? *feel like stabbing him to death*
Him: Nevermind lah, I am going to take my license too and I surely get my license before you do.

Ok, my main point was, this person hasn’t even went for his basic theory test. It’s good to have confident, but the thing is, I am not asking him a question. If I am talking to a girl the scenario will be different.

Me: Hey, I am taking up driving lessons for fun because I am a little gian to get the license after seeing almost everyone around me got one.
Her: Ok, so have you gone for your basic theory/final theory or you are doing your practical already?
Me: I passed my basic and final theory liao, and now I am at the practical stage. *smile*
Her: Oh my! That’s so fun!

See, totally different. Sometimes, I was wondering, Ok, what’s your main point for showing off to me that you are going to get the license before me? Duh, I am not even in a competition with him or what. And most importantly, I am not even asking him a question.

Another reason why I don’t really like to talk to guys is because, I find their language a little too rough for me to understand. As in, they love to speak in chinese + hokkien. I admit I suck at hokkien because I find hokkien is a very rough dialect.

Him: I am wondering why guys like to piah (in english, it’s called sexual intercourse, in short: SEX) you leh. You don’t even attract me a little when it comes to sex.
Me: *speechless*

I mean, imagine a married guy goes around telling his best friend that every night he reached home and he will piah his wife before going to bed. Ha, how stupid it sound. I mean even the younger kids say such things like “Today I go to my girlfriend’s house and her parents not around, so I have a chance to piah……“. This is the scenario I am thinking now. I realized, only those ah bengs who loves to use words like piah to replace the word MAKE LOVE. I don’t know why, but piah sounds disgusting to me.

Imagine, your boyfriend loves to hao lian (boasting) around the fact that you make love with him for the first time but he sound like this: “wah lao eh, bro I tell you, last night I finally got chance to piah her alrdy. Shiok sia.“. And the more civilized way to say: “Last night, me and my girlfriend make love for the first time.”. And it really sounds different.

And then when I was talking to this friend, complaining how broke I am, he’s comparing him to me.

Me: Wah lao (Goodness!), I am so broke leh.
Him: I am broke also.
Me: Stupid siah (siah is just an extra word used in hokkien)! I just got my pay on the 14th nia and I left with less than $400!
Him: Me worse loh, I only left with less than $200

I mean, c’mon lah! My pay is triple of his NS pay, of cos it looks like I have more money than him lah. Obviously when U divide here and there, it’s almost the same loh. And I wasn’t trying to compare with him HOW BROKE WE ARE. Doh.

I mean, I know I am thinking too much. But I really cannot tahan (tolerate) the way guys speak as if their brain are placed somewhere near their arse.

ARGH! It’s just a random entry. Not suitable for children below 18years old.

I was supposed to meet TY, pass him back his jacket and head back home. But when I see him, he asked me if I want to have dinner but we headed to “Ji De Chi” because I super love the mango sago dessert there. He suggested to watch ‘Monsters VS Aliens” at JP but it was not showing anymore, feeling disappointed, we watched ‘Ghosts of Girlfriends Past‘ which was a romantic comedy. He sent me home after the movie because he said it’s still early. I knew he wants to talk to me. But actually I was too tired to talk to him. But I wasn’t looking at him when he was talking to me, not that I am being rude.. just that I will not be able to uphold the decision I made for the past few days. And the quarrel that we have, lasts for 2 weeks, remains unsolved. He said I looked a little uncomfortable when I was in the cinema. I don’t know. Now, I am so totally confused. I was thinking maybe I should just leave him now since I don’t think anything will work out. But then again, leaving him at this time, is not a good timing because I knew he’s under a lot of stress which I don’t think I can help. Sigh, I wished I could be his comfort. But I don’t think I can be. Sometimes, I feel so helpless towards him. If you know what I did to him these days, all I can say is I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not wanting to talk to him because at some point of time, I am really tired of this conversation. I mean, this whole topic of not wanting to give him EVERYTHING. Now I am sitting in front of the computer feeling confused while feeling confused. Sigh. What should I do?

My headache was killing me last night, so I headed to bed rather early. And I’m feeling better. What a good sleep I had. And before my headache came knocking to my head, I went to watch “Drag me to hell” at JP with TY. The sound was too loud I must say. It was blasting away. Oh my. With the loud blasting sound, indeed it was ‘scary’ and of course with some jokers who “BOO” in the middle of the show, it was the best show ever. Ha. Went to have Mcdonald’s and I bumped into Guo Wei. What a surprised. He was watching the same show. The reason why I met up with TY was because, we have unfinished affair to settle, but we have to put it aside since my headache is killing me. And, trust me, it’s really not worth it to buy panadol at 7-11, it’s night time robbery!

Today I went to return the luggage to Alicia, finally. Took a cab down to her house, because I was too lazy to carry the luggage around in the bus. And I was playing around with her massage chair, and I must say if I got money, I want that too! So fun! Haha. Out of a sudden, she say she wants to go far east and I gave TY a call, but he did not pick up the call, so I tried a second time and by then, Alicia was done with her preparation. He said I called him last minute and he doesn’t have ample time to prepare, so the earliest he could make it to Lakeside was 1630hrs. But I wasn’t willing to wait, because the weather is so hot, and I want to go walk walk rather than waiting aimlessly at Lakeside for him. I could have, but I choose not to. So, I hitch a ride from William to Far East, and he drove past this GoodWoodPark Hotel, and I suddenly remember about the Durian thingy that was going on, so we decided to pop into that hotel to check it out. We wanted to have some desserts while waiting for TY to come, but since the person told about the DURIAN BUFFET, we were so tempted (ok, I was so tempted. So what I did was I tempted the rest), so we reserved a place at 7p.m. Feeling excited, I called TY to let him know my plans have changed (since I am such a random person), he just replied me back by saying HE DOESN’T WANT. I was feeling disappointed and angry, so I hanged up his call. After 5 minutes, I smsed him and told him I am not going to have my dessert buffet anymore.. he told me he’s on his way back! Good one.

Nonetheless, we went ahead with my plan since he’s not coming anymore (to me, he’s such a spoiler, and I HATE HIM for doing this but he likes to do it an eye for an eye. What can I do right?). We still had a great time eating all desserts and Austrialian Sirloin Steak (which is so good until you simply can’t resist it).

From Drop Box

From Drop Box

From Drop Box

And this is what I bought at the end of the day. Nothing much actually. Hahaha. I need retail therapy. And before I can do that, I need money!

From Drop Box

Nicholas called me again. This time to asked me what time does Chervons and Partyworld (Taman Jurong) close. Sigh. I hate this feeling. Really. But then again, he’s innocent.

I slept a lot yesterday! I took half day leave so that I can go home and replenish my beauty sleep. I went lunch with Uncle Jeremy and Arene at the coffee shop opposite Tiong Bahru Plaza. And we went to Popular after that. After that I headed home and begun my sleeping journey.

I slept at 3plus p.m until 7plus p.m. Woke up, did some surfing on the website and then went to bed again at 10plus p.m..

I was struggling between to meet him or call him, but I realized I couldn’t do either of the options. Oh man, what am I going to do next?