Be a grown up will ya? I mean, c’mon, I didn’t even say anything nasty things behind your back and why are you saying mine? What wrong have I done to you that I deserve such treatment? I mean, so what you fancy this guy huh? But that doesn’t give you the right to say nasty things behind my back. What’s wrong with your mind? With time catching up with you, and yet you are behaving as if you are just a 3 years old kid. By saying “she is not good”, or by saying “she doesn’t suit you”, or by saying “she good meh?”, “she pretty meh?”, “she got character meh?”, “she’s the kind you like meh?”. Who gives you the right to judge? Look at yourself in the fucking mirror before making any comments. Or do a self reflection on yourself, are you really that good before you start judging me.
I have never see myself as a good person. I know I do break people’s heart, or maybe not. But, who doesn’t? Anyone of you reading this blog might have broke someone’s heart accidentally. I am just a human being. I need SECURITY. If you guys just kept saying things behind my back, I feel so annoy and I don’t think this is so necessary for me to do anything for the man I love.
I thought to myself, even if the WHOLE WORLD mistaken me for someone I am not, he will stand by me and have trust in me. I know a lot of people might have questioned him about our relationship – “Are you both together?”, “You like her? (OMG)” and stuffs like that. You really think I don’t know meh? Some times, perhaps most of the time, I was just pretending that nothing happen. I wanted to see myself in his life forever, but you guys likes to make things so hard for me. I know love by nature is not easy, but it really made me feel that I have had enough of it.
Think about it. I told him to give love one more chance because even if his ex girlfriend betrayed his love, it doesn’t mean the next one will. I was trying to help him move on. And when the person who got hurt again in love (and that’s me), I couldn’t do what I told him. I know it’s easier said than done. At least he’s making an effort to. But it feels like I have totally shut everyone off. I know I am giving him the worse treatment that I can ever give. He even complaint that I won’t do this to Jin Jie.
But does it really matters? I mean, I gave all my love to Jin Jie, but what I got back was to break, break, break. How pathetic my love was? It really makes me wonder if he ever love me. I really want to know. So what I know him? So what? That doesn’t makes him come back to me again. I gave up on this love. 5 months ago. I realized, what he needs now is friends and not me. Anyone will do. Don, Jiafei, Sofia, Rau, etc.. I feel the jealousy in me whenever I know that he rather go out with these people than with me. I know I am not a good drinker like Jiafei. Not close to him as Don. Not a good singer like Sofia. Not as funny as Rau. But all I ever wanted from him was to spend some time with me and love me. Which I think, by giving me all these, I am claiming his life. I feel really upset when he only ask me out for dinner when noone is available for him. I feel really upset when he got time for this za bor, for that za bor but no time for me. I feel really heart broken when he told me he doesn’t have money to go out with but he got money to go out with other za bor(s). I shouldn’t be talking about what happened in the past. But that’s what is left in my memory for love.
I really want to be with him. I really do. But I am really out of my wit. I don’t know what I can do. I can make his life easier by disappearing into thin air and never appear again. I can do that. I wanted to save this whole thing, but my heart told me not to. What should I do?
Listen to my heart beat 