I realized, I could no longer recognize myself anymore.

I used to give all out for love, and now I am counting little details and what I will get in return. Ha. Ironically, any single person who likes me will find it so difficult to love me because I will be giving them so much hard time proving their love for me and testing their patience; even though I love him. You will see, how much agony he will have to go thru for me? So much and so pain till you can’t imagine.

Yeah. I know. I am behaving like a tyrant like as if every single guy who likes me (suay loh) owes me something. Even though I kept telling him not to compare himself with my ex boyfriend, subconsciously I am using my ex boyfriends as my guideline.

E.g. I insist on paying because I hate it at the end of the day, the guy told me THE TOTAL AMOUNT I OWE HIM DURING THE COURTSHIP DAYS. That would give me a shock.

E.g. If my boyfriend cares for me, I would care for him. If he treats me nice, I would treat him nice. But when he treats me like shit, I will still treat him nice. But now if you ask me again, I will give him hell. Not because I am nasty, but because I don’t feel the ‘need’ to treat him nice if he doesn’t appreciate me. Which means, we might end up breaking.

E.g. If my boyfriend says “I love you” to me, it feels like I have been to the moon! But when my boyfriend doesn’t say that to me anymore, I knew something is wrong and I would pretended that nothing is wrong and continue to fool myself with lies that I came up with to cover up all these. But if he kept saying that to me, I will just wanna keep him by my side forever and love him even more.

E.g. I love hugs and kisses. If my boyfriend hugs and kisses me everyday, how blissful I am. I dream of it day and night and night and day. But, that only happens during the first few months of my relationship and I don’t get it anymore.

When a guy loves you, he really loves you. He will go all out for you. When you are sick, he showered all his care and concern, bring you to the clinic and call you up to see if you are feeling better or you need him to run some errand for you. Any cravings? Tell him and maybe he’s able to fulfill it for you. But my case? None of this happen leh. Maybe the ‘call you to check if you are alright’ part exist but the rest? No. I was hoping my boyfriend would be one caring man who accompanies me to the clinic, who gets nervous whenever I am sick (even if I am pretending to be sick). Ok, maybe not all my ex boyfriends are so heartless. My first boyfriend would bring me to the clinic. And I like the feeling he gave me. Hugs and kisses. I love them all.

But, this is not the main point. He thinks I am lying to the whole world that I am the victim, and he’s the culprit. I was speaking from MY POINT OF VIEW. It’s ok if he thinks I am a liar. It’s ok. As long as he hates me, I AM PERFECTLY FINE with it. Why? Because I am mentally tired. I have no more strength to continue all these. Yeah, I am waiting for him and he’s waiting for me. But what’s the point? His friends hates me. That’s fine. It was because I love him that’s I love his friends too. I wasn’t like what I am now, but I am behaving the worse of me.

These days, I get angry and pissed off at little things. But then? Who cares about how I feel? Do they even know that I was boiling mad on Friday because I waited for almost 4 hours before I can my dinner at almost 9p.m? Yea, I was so mad but I tamed myself a little because it was a farewell dinner for Peili so I don’t want to spoil the atmosphere. SEE. I TRIED. And so I went to meet TY happily and he said something that I don’t like. I stopped talking to him. I wanted to tell him that I saw Nicholas. But then, he showed me some attitude too. So, we sing some more songs and head home. And the moment I reached hm, I lie on my bed and dozed off.

I really couldn’t be bother with these things anymore. Mentally tired. I am sick now, and I need a rest. I need someone who’s concern about me. He complaint that I don’t care about him, but actually I do. I wanted to ask him about his life and his everything! But quarrels, it doesn’t allow me to do so. Because we are humans who are blinded by anger.

Ahhh! Don’t mistaken. We are not together and I don’t have a boyfriend. I am just imaging my future boyfriend who is willing to take my shit.